2003-04-07 - 5:40 p.m.

i think i may need to buy another belt...

I have been thinking a lot lately. I think a lot all the time, so that is nothing new. How when things go wrong in my life I usually compound them and make them worse. And by this compounding which I hava a certain degree of control over, I am able to alleviate somewhat the suffering. I can see and am proud of how I have progressed in this area in the last few years.

An example of this was at church last night. So, I was crying and looked pretty pathetic and not at all desirable for the girls. But whereas before I would have interpreted this as a reason I will always be a failure, I just stood there and rode it out, and take each moment at a time. So I was able to find the courage to go to Maccas after. Not that I was all of a sudden, Mr Popular or anything, but the fact that I even went meant that at least inside me I believed that it wasn't the end of the world.

Of course maintaining this standard is the challenge. It seems thinking about it acheives nothing. I can't change the past. And I can only exert a small influence on the present and the future. But I can refuse to believe the negative thoughts that my emotions feed me at any given time.

On a lighter note! I fitted into the 4th notch on my belt today. I can't believe it, I'm still in shock. I'm going to grow a big head about this and make a fool of myself if I'm not careful. Like, it's not even painful or anytrhing. And I even ate maccas' fries on Sunday night. And atm I have a craving for a Bondi Burger from Oporto..... mmmmmm...... they are relatively healthy as fast-food goes.

I should be doing some DSPP now. I think I might. D/L the labs, work through them and then despair when I can't do a question... and come back online :)

2003-04-07 - 12:31 a.m.

more thoughts straight outta maccas and church

So I went to church tonight. As usual I just sat there and cried silently or had a zombie like face and listened. There isn't anything wrong with church. My mind is just in other places. Then afterwards I was going to go and say hello to some people. But I froze and started crying again and looked pathetic. Eventually a girl I had a crush on years ago came up and said " Hi, how ya goin'?" as if the answer was not obvious, without making eye contact I said "OK" and she said "Are you really OK?" and I said "yeah, I'm OK" still wiping the tears away. Then she just stood there not knowing what to say, until one of her many male friends came and chatted her up. This I guess is the social phobia some refer to. But I am not too fussed about it. That is just me. I am only young. I have uni tomorrow to get my mind back on nerdy things.

So we went to Maccas afterwards as usual. My chicket delight burger was late by 8 minutes so they offered a refund, nice of them. With which I bought a McFlurry. Not good for my weight, but I have been pretty good recently. I'm down to about 85kg now. Not quite a hunk, but not embarrassing either.

And I met a girl on the net with an incredible diary on this site too. And whatever I say about her henceforth may well be interpreted by the cynical mind as a shameless attempt by me to get into her pants because she is likely to read this. But let's say I am happy and hope that we will be very good friends.

2003-04-06 - 2:04 p.m.

the morning after

So after the nightclub last night I have been recommended to the establishment in the city. Apparently it is quieter and free to get in. But negatives are that the people there are older. I can at least try. It is such a humiliating experience. Other people enjoy making morons out of themselves. I don't. Also the fact that I have no friends to go with. What is the point? I just want to share my life with someone and make them happy. But if I am this desperate then I must be selfish. It is my birthday soon. Yay. Well at least if it is free to get in I can't complain too much. I am supposed to just go up to a girl and say hi, right? It is hard. Their possessive-boyfriend might be nearby and start a fight. I don't know what is the correct ettiqutte in nightclubs for approaching a girl. Some people have it easy.

2003-04-06 - 2:07 a.m.

nightclub

So I went to a nightclub tonight. By myself. There were a lot of beautiful girls. They have a reputation in Penrith of being sluts. A few would fit that description but not most. I just stood around. No one wanted to talk to me. A few guys were intimately pashing several chicks who didn't seem to mind they weren't the only one although they looked like they were very happy. The world is not fair. And it's not even like they were nice or anything. Scruffy hair, a daggy shirt. Are there any girls that just want a nice, respectable guy like me? And apparently it's me that is the lonely and desperate one. The girls there have obviously a lot of practise in dancing, they are very good. The noise level in the place negated any possibility for conversation. One girl made eye contact with me and motioned with her cigarette. Not having any idea what her intentions were, I just smiled back. And she just walked away. That was the most complex human interaction I undertook for about 4 hours. Watching girls and guys dance with a lot of energy. And it's not like I'm jealous of them, the guys, they are all such try hards. But obviously the girls vote with numbers and they like it. A decent man like me is not required for these girls to have a good time. It seems the stupider the guy is, the more fun the girl has. Is there a girl out there that can have an intelligent conversation and actually enjoy it with a person of the opposite sex that can give them comfort and share their selves with? I know of one , Gh.L, but she is taken. So I musn't think about her. Which is the point of finding another girlfriend. Which is why I went to the nightclub. Which is why I am thinking of her even more. The world is cruel.

2003-04-05 - 4:33 p.m.

bored, lonely

So I am looking for people on ICQ search. There are a lot of girls on the internet. Not any of them though would go out with me. It must therefore be me. Perhaps I am too aggressive. They dont want to meet a stranger. Or they are jaded from past relationships. I am too lonely to just let people go. So potentially I am a stalker or an obsessed person. I know that I am not a bad person. It seems that my life is an experiment in cruelty. To see how much pain one can handle. Since there is nothing I can do a bout this I tend to ignore this fact. But very often it affects my life. That is why this Kelly person just went offline with no explanation. Of course I don't know that , its just my suspicion. Which makes me paranoid I guess. All I want to do is share my life with someone and make them happy. Even my ex can attest to me being worthy in that regard.

2003-04-05 - 3:05 p.m.

etc etc

So I will look for a girlfriend

If you are in Sydney and are around my age (18-23) and want a boyfriend that is nice then feel free to contact me.

2003-04-05 - 2:53 p.m.

thoughts

That I don't have the competitive instinct found in other people. Which would be the cause of my problems. The right and intelligent thing to do is forget about Gh.L and concentrate on uni studies. In practise though, I find myself unable to get out of bed for if I can't be with Gh.L, why try in life? This is an irrational thought. The intelectual point on which it hinges most is the notion that there is no other girl that would be better for me to be with than Gh.L since she embodies all the qualities in a girl that are perfect eg, she is very beautiful, extremely intelligent, is inclined the same way as me in reason, is the right age and personality type. Etc. On the other hand, reasons to suggesst that she is not the one are that : she already has a boyfriend, (insert other reasons here). I can't see why I should look elsewhere after having found the perfect girl. It has been a few weeks now. This feeling has not gone away. I don't know what to do. I need help.

One possible way of help is for me to change medication to something that restores to me will to live and doesn't make me tired. Another way is to have good counselling. Another way again is the Sylver tapes. All three are somewhat difficult to implement.

2003-04-05 - 2:49 p.m.

1st

testing

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