2003-04-23 - 2:00 p.m.

videogames

Dear diary, what have I done recently...

Went to soccer, I might quit soccer and sign up for the gym, went jogging this morning, did a whole lot of box-carrying for my grandma...

It seems the longer I stay away from this diary the better I feel. Mainly because it reminds me of things... and people... although memorising a certain person's diary like an exegetist would to scripture is not the ideal way of forgetting someone.

Besides which, I don't really want to forget! I was happy for a moment there...

What else do I have to say then... I'm regaining interest in videogames, I am clocking NHL 2K3 on Hall-Of-Famer level like I punished Pro Evo 2... Come to think of it, videogames are a barometer in my life as to how it's going. If I am enjoying them, it's because things are stable. If I'm not, it's because things are either etting better or worse. I don't know whether I should be happy or not...

2003-04-21 - 3:18 p.m.

world no-think day

I'm having a no-thinking day today. It seems the less I think the better I feel. So I am just going to watch TV, play videogames, talk to my brother and play his guitar, and I might have a shower later, and then I'm just going to do whatever I feel like. The idea is I realise that life isn't so bad after all. Oops that is too much thinking. I might go kick the footy around at Summerhayes. c ya

2003-04-20 - 10:06 p.m.

its the good advice that you just can't take

I'll just ignore that stupid banner ad at the top of screen and move on to my entry, wow I feel better already, knowing that there are even lamer losers out there... and to think that this diary started out as a lame excuse to try and get over a girl...

Well I was emailed some words of wisdom (again) today regarging by feelings by a concerned fellow diarylander...

hey (myself),

havn't heard from you in a while. still been keeping up to date with your life, reading your diary almost every day.

i can releate to how you feel. like youv fallen in love with this girl after knowing her for such a short time. lots of people cannot understand it. it seems that you and i are the kind of people who fall in love more easily then many others. i don't believe this means our love is any less strong then the love that other people take months or even years to develop. it does mean that we are hurt more easily though.

i hav learnt in the past to try not to fall for people so easily. a year or two ago i let my heart out and the effect was devastating. i was used and emotionally abused and because of it i try to keep my heart under my control (it's really hard).

i can relate to you, but i can relate to the girl you are in love with aswel. sometimes when guys come on so strongly it pushes us girls away. we hav fragile hearts too and it seems that if someone is so fast to fall in love, they may not be so genuine.

all i can say is to take it easy. even if ur so in love with a girl you think you could burst, if you havn't known her for more then a few weeks don't tell her your in love with her. it will scare her away. if you don't come on so strongly and play it by ear, you will know when it is the right time to let her know how you really feel.

you guessed correctly. i am falling in love with that dj(etc) guy. it driving me crazy cos i want to be with him more and more and i miss him heaps, but im being careful not to rush things. i havn't said those three little words... but they are not too far away :)

best of luck with everything.

Gh.Ja

xox

2003-04-20 - 3:28 p.m.

nothing to say

I don't really have anything to say but I feel like writing in here anyway. Went to my grandma's today for Easter. She was cheerful as ever. People somehow enjoy life. I guess they don't brood over what might have been. I have yet to learn how to live like that. I need to find a reason to keep going.

2003-04-20 - 3:52 a.m.

happy Easter everyone

Hi, I'm exhausted. Can't sleep. Anguish. Uncertainty. I'm not going to pretend any more. I am not over Gh.B and probably never will be. If I live in denial all my life, so be it. Until someone invents that thing from Men In Black that can erase the last eight days of my memory, then Gh.B is and will forever be literally the love of my life. It may have been only for one day but it is this day of happiness that will last me a lifetime. I could live off this memory forever.

I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. If this feeling is just going to disappear, then hey, call me in a year and say "I told you so". In the mean time, I am not going to just lie down. Because I know that I'm right. At the very least we can all agree that this last week has benefitted me by having me examine myself and discover just how much love I am capable of having, and that is encouraging. I am glad to know that the people that know me do feel that I will make someone very happy. I can't imagine that person not being Gh.B.

But words and arguments mean nothing to a mind that doesn't want to know. Of all the great help that the Sciences of Peak Performance have been to me in my last six years or so, they still can not begin to understand the inner workings of the mind of the Female. Just when you thought life was no longer a challenge.... Just kidding. ;)

2003-04-19 - 1:01 p.m.

great abs in just 14 days

I noticed something this morning, that is that the rolls of flab which once cascaded down my front are in the process of rearranging themselves into a 6-pack formation, and there is the beginnings of the V-shape under my shoulders emerging. Whoo hoo :) Still a long way to go. But by my standards, and this is the first time since I was around 12 that I have been close to my ideal weight, for me this is one giant leap.

Having said that, I had determined in myself to go to the gym, starting yesterday, and to my great disappointment with myself, I balked, I was just lazy. I justified it to myself by the fact that my brother agreed to take me but then decided his girlfriend was more important. Jealousy, self-doubt and self-pity. Not this again.

O well, there is always another time. There are conflicting fears: one being that I fear signing up for this gym and then not having the discipline to go and hence wasting all that money, on the other hand I fear apathy and the inevitable fatness and social ostracisation that that leads to.

Of course, I know that the correct thing to do is to sign up anyway, go for it, take a shot, and be accountable to people to go to the gym without depending on them for motivation. It all sounds so simple. I just have to get out and do it now. According to my brother this gym is really top stuff with all the facilities and gadgets you could want. So I should really have no excuse. For the moment though I must be accountable to this diary.

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