2003-05-01 - 10:14 p.m.

secrets

I am reading through a book called "A Practical Workbook for the Depressed Christian tonight" which is very good and has brought up a lot of stuff that I will put here for my own befefit.

There are two main things that are dark secrets of sorts that may be a big part of my depression that I fear to tell anyone. Now that I have not much to lose I will put them here and then spam my site everywhere so if ASIO can't find me then they never will. They are:

1. My political beliefs, I lean towards One Nation, ooo, that makes me bad doesn't it.

2. I look at porn on the internet from time to time.

If you are still reading then you are more open minded than 90% of people in my experience. Let me explain some.

About my political beliefs, I have decided not to say it to everyone because most people believe the lies of the media. Which in turn makes me psychotic apparently. I personally after much consideration see nothing much ethically, morally or theologically wrong with One Nation's positions on things but I can see plenty wrong with the major parties'. This puts me in the minority. Especially among Christians who feel more than most the need to only say what is politically correct. Even though this is not the attitude Jesus took. Anyway political arguments can go on forever. I don't really care about it anymore anyway. I just wish people wouldn't ostracise me because of it. I wouldn't mind it if everyone disagreed with me but respected me as a person. But to have my opinions makes it OK for people to walk all over you and treat you like crap because after all you deserve it, especially among people my age.

About the porn. This is not something I am proud of though. Even though on the scale of things what I look at would be around the very mild extreme of the scale. I see reasons why I shouldn't. I just keep making excuses to do it. A lot of the time it is anger against femalekind. Which is a very bad motive I know. Most of the time I don't even enjoy it.

These are the two main things that I fear people and in particular girls will not like me for and that I hide from everyone, not if I show everyone this site I will find out who my real friends are, if there are any.

2003-05-01 - 2:58 p.m.

bible study

I was the closest I have been in a long time to killing myself last night. Not necessarily in an emotional sense, although the pain was very... overpowering, more like I had never before felt so strongly that it was the right thing to do. I'm sure God would understand.

Went to Bible study last night. Seems I don't fit in anywhere. And I know the answers but I just let the people with the loudest mouths say the first thing that comes into their heads first so I don't spoil it for them. Otherwise it wouldn't last for very long. I would have trouble being a teacher. I guess this is my fault. Maybe I am just arrogant and passive. Maybe I should learn to have a loud mouth as well and pretend to be stupid so I'll fit in. I did get one thing wrong though about Elisha being in 2 Kings. See I can be stupid as well.

I have stayed in bed all day. Uni is slipping away. It is a good time to die. But when I say I'll do it I don't and when I am confident that I won't do it it's when I'm most vulnerable to when someone tells me I am not their type, for example. I still think I probably won't do it. Which means I will. O well.

Spoke to Gh.Ja. She says I am a wonderful person with so many things that is good about me and how she can't believe I have no girlfriend. But guess what? She doesn't wont me, why? Well, seems that she likes this guy who has porn all over his "business" website and is a grungie type who would probably knock someone out just to prove his love for her. Sounds familiar.

I havn't mentioned Gh.P and Gh.Li yet. THought I might for the sake of it. Gh.P is a godly Christian girl who I have talked a lot to on the internet and we share so much in common it's freaky and she says I'm a wonderful person like Gh.Ja above... and is single! But guess what, she has decided she won't ever meet someone off the internet because it's "too dangerous". Notwithstanding the fact that she knows everything about me, more than virtually anyone that knows me in real life. I see a pattern emerging here.

Gh.Li is just a girl at church that I have admired for some time but never really spoken to properly, I found out through his brother she is single. I could go on about how good she is and bla bla. She seems though from her family and friends that she is the sort that would be horrified that I don't have a daily Bible reading plan and I would have to submit a 2000 word essay to her father outlining why I would be a potential suitor for his daughter.

So! I can imagine that a patronising person would say that I am not in good enough emotional health to handle a relationship. I know myself well.

2003-04-30 - 11:54 p.m.

lonely

I feel so depressed and sad.

I just had a converstaion with Gh.L, here is an extract

u"'s not enough, I'm lost for words says:

ur not my type

(myself) says:

explain?????

Speechless and redundant cause "I love you"'s not enough, I'm lost for words says:

i like grungey bad boys....guys who'll get in a fight for me, guys who'll be big tough guys but then all soppy and lovey dovey when ur alone.

...ur sweet, and intelligent. but its just...not my type

...but its someone's type!

...u just gotta find em

So I guess this is the reason girls don't like me. I am not a violent person. In fact I don't be aggressive enough.

I am so lonely. Where is this person that apparently likes the type of person I am?

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