2003-09-17 - 10:59 p.m.

i have read and understood the terms and conditions

I feel good right now... I have had a gruelling but worthwile talk with Gh.M about the difficulties we are having in our relationship. Not critical ones, but things that must be dealt with nonetheless. The main one is that I am inept in social situations and that she spends her time worrying about me and not having fun. She deserves me to be there for her too, and it seems to her that she is always the one supporting me and not the other way around.

So I am making a concerted effort to be there for her, and not to drain her emotionally. She made a telling comment and that was that, when I say to her "I love you", it seems to her that what I am saying is "I need you, give me a hug". I can see that that is the way that I come accross sometimes. But that is something I can fix.

I had a pretty good day at work today, despite the fact that it was really busy. I am getting much more confident in stressful situations. I really feel now that I belong in a good job and I deserve it, I am doing something worthwhile and I am actually a great asset to the employer. Something which I haven't really believed in before. I am truly lucky to have this job. I would rather work in this one for the rest of my life than any other job I have had if they paid me twice as much.

I am still a little upset at Gh.M for her lack of interest towards her own unenviable financial position and the subsequent consequences suffered by myself and her parents, but given that she is shouldering a majority of the emotional load at the moment, and that I am going pretty well, I can overlook this.

2003-09-10 - 9:36 p.m.

i'm back

It has been a long while since I have written in my diary. I can't say why exactly. Maybe the novelty of doing it on my Pocket PC has worn of. Perhaps I always saw it as not being genuine and just there to get a girlfriend. Maybe because I didn't have access to the internet since moving into my new flat.

O that's right. I've moved out and am living with Gh.M. Life is great and better than ever. Pity I don't feel that way all the time. Thank's to the evil chemicals in my brain. The truth be known I have all that I want. A nice flat, a great job, a wonderful girlfriend, a big screen TV, an abundance of quality videogames, broadband internet, Foxtel... so I should be very happy. But I am cursed with depression. Or maybe it is all a figment of my imagination, an inability to let go of the past... of course I am being cynical, that's not good.

Right now I have another reason to be thankful, that is that I have a seat on this overcrowded train and I can sit down when I am totally exhausted. By the grace of God there was a person stand up next to me and gave me this seat. Sure I could have offered the seat first to someone else who may have been feeling even worse than me, if I was a better Christian. Or perhaps I should just accept it as a blessing. I can't imagine that certain people around me would be asking themselves these things. And yet, they probably have never had depression. I mustn't think about these things.

There are positive things to think about. I will have some time to spend with Gh.M tonight. She is not perfect, but she has done a world of good for me. I feel better about myself and have a bit more strength than I did before. I am still deficient though. I just wish that I could know that I make such a difference to her that she makes to me. I don't want to wear her out, I want her to find in me everything that she wants and needs as I do in her. Perhaps I am still in the dreaming phase. Well, this dream has lasted 3 beautiful months and I don't feel like waking up. And perhaps I am being a bit presumptuous, but I can't see myself going back to the way I was before, that is, with no self worth at all. It is not true that women are more apt at destroying the spirit of men than building them up, it's just that that is all I have known up until now. Nevertheless there remains that doubt in my mind, insisting that this relationship will not last either. With a bit more strength I might be able to tell it to go away.

Why is it that I don't react like normal people to situations of stress? Sure I know the answer, but not the answer that I am seeking. I know I am melancholic, perfectionist, depressed, autistic tendancies and easily frustrated. But how do I become normal? I don't want to lose this job. Or this girlfriend, or this flat. Jesus tells me not to worry, because it's a waste of time, and to seek him first. That which I do do, but perhaps not to such a great degree as is required. See? I am being perfectionist. In fairness I have made a lot of progress on this area recently. I am just very worried about losing my job if I do something stupid in my frustration, or the job becoming unbearable because I let things get to me, things both that affect everyone, and that affect only people that have certain beliefs. I have great difficulty "accepting the things I cannot change".

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