2003-06-21 - 11:10 a.m.

and the monorail drives past my window :-)

Well it's been a long time since I've written anything. A lot has happened. I have a lot to be thankful for. I guess I just have to get it all out.

Well, I have a job, and a fantastic one at that, call centre/customer service which I enjoyvery much, not a hard-sale one where I have to say things I don't really mean. This latter qualification making me unsuitable for the majority of call centre positions out there as it seems most people have no problem with saying things they don't mean. Which makes this job so good. An anxiety of mine is that I might lose this job. It is only temporary and they could tell me to leave at a moment's notice if they think I'm not good enough or they just don't need me. But I must do the right thing and trust God. Which is not easy since I have lost jobs in the past unjustly.

As for Gh.M, she is now with me, I am so grateful for having her. She makes me feel ... I can't describe it adequately ... it's like there is a persistant quantity of streess floating around my brain, but when I hold her and look innto her eyes, it just goes away, and replaced by tranquility. I must guard against becoming too reliant on this though, I must be able to have peace anytime, anyplace. But in the mean time, I am thankful for her influence on me.

I have a number of worries. I have a fractured foot that hurts and going to doctors/radiologists is a pain. There is a possibility that Centrelink might try to bleed money out of me that I don't have. I also have a massive HECS debt which as it turns out is a big mistake. At least in financial terms. I am hesitant about whether I will move in with Gh.M or not because she has so much crap which she won't fit in a bedroom despite what she thinks, and I seriously doubt whether she is financially ept enough to live and share the costs. Not that she is dumn, far from it, but just that she seems to take me and my mum for granted and hasn't been able to live with certain people in the past. And I am just worried that if I say this to her she will interpret it that I don't love her, which I do. So I want a nice dose of tact to diplomatically deal with the situation.

Now I have another worry. I am stuck in a train that is going nowhere. CityRail strikes again. I am going to be late for the doctor's. Explaining this to my mum will be akin to ... doing something that you know is going to turn out bad. At least I have a clear conscience over this. I didn't vote for it.

Tim the tool man didn't contact me to inform me of the cancellation of yesterday's bible-study but by email and then only being received after the event. Lucky I didn't go, I would not have been happy. But this is the world and I had better get used to it.

Must get some sleep tonight. Mufty tomorrow. Good night.

2003-05-28 - 9:12 a.m.

written on the go

Diary for 27-05-03

Today I have had a good day so far. At the moment I am on the train going to uni. I went to Officeworks and got a lot of my resumes printed. I had Subway for lunch, 6 grams of fat only, not including the sauce.

I love Gh.M. I can't stop thinking about her. Her smile is so warm. This version of Pocket Word keeps making suggestions. But it is annoying cos it covers up the screen, so I can't see what I'm typing. D'oh.

So, hopefully I will have a fulltime job soon. And Gh.M and I will have a place of our own.

Now we are stopped at Blacktown. Most of the loud schoolkids have gotten off. Whoo hoo.

I weigh 81kg last time I checked, which is not bad. My waist is about 95cm which is not good. I wonder if this thing saves automatically when you turn it off cos I can't see a "save" button. I have been measuring my waist to look to buy clothes for a potential job interview.

I also want to see if I can get Gh.M's photo and put it on the screen of this thing as my wallpaper. Hey. The suggestions have stopped! Choice. Now I know how that works.

Now I am on my way to soccer. It now seems I might not be able to get my HECS fees back for this semester. Oh well too bad. I am looking forward to a happy life with Gh.M.

Call me overemotional or stupid, but I am happier now than I have been for years, if ever. If Gh.M were to turn around tomorrow and say that she never wants to see me again, sure I would be heartbroken, but I have learnt my lesson. That is, I do have a certain degree of influence on my future, and I can purpose not to say that I am going to want to kill myself. Of course it is easier to say that now.

But at least I would be able to look back on these last few weeks and say, yes, I knew hapiness, it exists. I make mistakes, people can be less than honest, or not capable of love, or both, but that doesn't change who I am.

All these insignificant "problems" of life that I am encountering at the moment, like finding a place to live, finding a job, don't really matter when you have someone that loves you. So what if I may be being manipulated or fooling myself. All I have known recently is pain, so now that I have happiness, what am I to do? Should I hide it in order to keep up the appearance of being depressed?

To look into Gh.M's eyes and say "I love you" and for her to smile back at me and say "I love you" back is worth more than the "hapiness" that comes from being free from all the mundane problems of life.

To be continued.

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