2004-09-14 - 8:34 p.m.

defrauded and rewarded

A lot has happened today. Let's get on with it.

Woke up this morning for the first time in months at a pre-determined time without the use of an alarm. A sign things are on their way back in my head, and something to be proud of on Thursday with the counsellor.

Excercise? Check. I actually shaved and paid attention to what clothes I wore for no other reason than to make me feel better. Also a good sign.

Then a hiccup. DVDs I ordered from eBay arrived. Region 2. I live in Australia. My DVD player is set to region 4. Item description of the auction stated Region 4. So there goes $60 up in smoke. I initially dismissed the poor grammar in the item description, scalded myself for the naughty racist thoughts when I saw the seller's surname in his reply to my email, after all, it's wrong to be racist? I was thinking of getting a region-free DVD player anyway. Once bitten...

Met up with my mum as she finished her work to profit from her feminine fashion sense and heed her advice on the purchase of items of casual clothing for myself, not a strong point of mine at the best of times, less so when going through depression. But what money I lost on the DVDs I gained back through this venture. I never have any clue what clothes to buy for myself on my own, but my mum's advice and the sale at the factory outlet produced a nice jacket, classy knitted jumper, a few shirts whose description escape me, but that I am sure would not embarrass me in the nicest clubs. All for an investment of $80. It was pleasantly confronting to see myself in the mirror and actually look... well, older! Despite my 24 years on the planet, I have a babyface and my social age is not more than 16, so to even look at the mirror and see someone of my age gazing confidently back instantly seemed to snap something in me.

I was brought back to reality in the car home as my mum and I had another argument and I again shouted at her. I can't really say honeslty that I feel much guilt over it, as she knows my limits, and pushes them like a little kid. I am not proud of my behaviour and I want to be a person with much more patience, I guess this is a test out the other end of which I will emerge being able to withstand a lot more provocation. We did manage to make up, there was not much to say, we both know why it happened and although I was the only one to apologise verbally for my part I know she feels some remorse. Like I said, this is a test, and hopefully I'll be found to be of gold, silver and costly stones.

I am tired... which is a good sign, as it is night time. Night.

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