2005-01-25 - 4:35 p.m.

What I do is not the good I want to do

A list of points from notes taken at the last appointment with Dh.W on 19-1-05, where it was made clear that there is nothing more that doctors can do to help me. At this appointment I was instructed to immediately stop taking benzodiazepines and to gradually reduce taking mirtazapine until I am off it in a month’s time.

• Get up at 7 am every day
• Get outside for bright light
• Just get over it
• I can do something about it, no one else
• I'm able to make changes
• Only I can instigate the action
• One step at a time
• Firmly consolidate each step
• Then on to next step
• Anger is not justified
• Use weights, do upper body exercises
• Attention to routine
• Whatever happens is my responsibility
• I must be in control of my anger before getting responsibilities i.e. driving

A list of strategies given to me at my last appointment with the counsellor on 17-11-04 where it was made clear that there was nothing more that the area health service could do to help me.

Strategies offered:

• Activity planning
• Pleasant events scheduling
• Sleep-wake scheduling (Dh.H 2-7-04)
• Sleep scheduling / sleep monitoring / problem solving in relation to negotiating sleep patterns
• Activity scheduling
• Anger management / arousal reduction / behaviour management
• Problem solving
• Self-soothing techniques
• Distraction strategies
• Journal keeping
• Goal setting

• Volunteer work
• Counselling / conflict resolution to resolve conflict with mother
• Attendance at Asperger's support groups
• Ongoing treatment to address specific issues relating to the treatment of Asperger's Syndrome (Dh.N and Dh.W) as this service does not provide this treatment

On Sunday night I went to bed at about 10:30 pm. I did not take any benzodiazepines at all. I was screaming and crying. I was still awake at 5:00 am. I turned the alarm off at 7:00 am. I eventually got up at about 10:30 am when I recommenced screaming and crying.

On Monday night I went to bed at about 11:00 pm. At about 1:00 am I was screaming and crying and I took 10mg temaze. I tried to take my mind off trying to fall asleep by listening to the radio and playing solitaire on the Pocket PC. About 15 minutes later my mum noticed that I had a light on and criticised me for not trying to go to sleep. I was screaming and crying for about another hour. I fell asleep at about 3:00. I turned the alarms off at 7:00 am. I eventually got up at about 12:00 pm.

Dh.W in his medical experience insists that I have a choice in each instance. I can choose not to be anxious about not already having fallen asleep. I can choose to stay up rather than turn the alarm off and get back into bed. I can choose not to be angry.

I have been at simmering anger for most of the past week. Since the beautiful sense of peace on the day about one and a half weeks ago after the night that I took 80mg temaze. But it was a false peace. Is this now a false anger?

Today my mum criticised me for not choosing to go to sleep when I got into bed last night and for choosing not to get up when the alarms went off this morning. I then screamed back at my mum. I should have not shouted at my mum.

I do not yet know how to make these choices.

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