2004-09-18 - 5:22 p.m.

harm minimisation

A summary of the events of last night, while they are fresh in my mind. I am writing as I usually do in my diary for my own good, and also in this case I want the good for all involved.

Why did I stay up? I could have gone to bed at 9 o'clock, when I was tired. My mum was still awake, so I stayed up as I would have found it difficult to get to sleep with the noise in the room next door, from the computer and the fact that she had had a little to drink. So I stayed up. At about 9:00 I got a call on my mobile from my brother saying he and his girlfriend were coming up, and asking what there is to eat. Why would he call me to say that? It was nice anyway, and I appreciated the fact that he called me.

They arrive shortly thereafter and as usual his girlfriend does not acknowledge my existance. Shouldn't I take the initiative here? After all, it is my home. After eating some food, they boot up the computer outside my door and start playing games. At this point I note I sent the email about the sleeping habits to my brother, and he did not respond, although he did mention to me at one stage that he received it, in a condescending tone. I am tired and want to go to sleep, but wait in hope that they stop making noise outside my room. 9:30, 9:45, 10:00, 10:15, 10:30. I walk up to them. "Excuse me". No response. "Excuse me, I'd like to go to sleep now". "Yes OK" without looking at me and in a sarcastic tone. I go into my room and go on the net. 10:45, 11:00. Still the beeps of the computer game and talking.

I walk past them a few more times, hoping they would take the hint. They don't. I then go and spend some time talking to my mum, hoping that they would go to sleep. About half an hour there, and my mum decides to go to sleep. I say good night. I go out and say again "I'd like to go to sleep now." No response. "Excuse me, I'd like to go to sleep now. Can you tell me what time you'd be finished?" "We won't be long". I wait a few minutes. "When will you be finished?" No response. This goes on for about ten minutes. Eventually "You are so irritating." "You give me no choice. How else can I get to sleep? Turn the computer off for you?" A few more exchanges of which I don't remember the exact words, but I believe that I was at all times speaking respectfully. Then my brother explodes in anger, pushed me over, screaming at me. I don't know why I didn't hit back. I let him keep screaming, and push me against the wall. Eventually this alerted my mum who came out. This stopped the physical violence, but not the verbal. My brother went to his room, followed by his girlfriend who avoided eye contact with me. When the shouting stopped I went to bed. I was very shaken, but went to sleep quickly since I was very tired.

I want to be able to get along with my family and with people. I don't understand what action I should have taken besides that which I did to make a better result. I could have lay in my bed and listened until whatever time they may have stopped, but the counsellor advises me not to do this because the frustration would grow and that was the cause of more serious incidences in the past. I could have hit back at my brother, but I would have risked further physical injury. The counsellor advises me to go for a walk outside when there is conflict. This would not have been ideal at midnight and when I am very tired. I recognise that I was irritating. It was also irritating to me to not be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time. I recognise that I am not as socially advanced as most however I don't see this in itself as evidence that I caused the conflict.

I don't know what to do. I know that I want only the good for my family.

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