2003-05-26 - 1:58 p.m.

more

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

(myself) says:

hi

GH.L says:

hiya

GH.L says:

how r u

(myself) says:

ok

(myself) says:

u?

GH.L says:

pretty good. whats up?

(myself) says:

i have quit uni and Gh.M is moving in with us

(myself) says:

and i am looking for a job

(myself) says:

but i don't have any nice closthes

(myself) says:

and i don't have much money

(myself) says:

but i am happy that Gh.M loves me

GH.L says:

u've quit uni?? Gh.M is moving in with you?? wow. that's big

(myself) says:

well , i only have on life and im not going to stay depressed forever

GH.L says:

haha well good!! so ur mum is fine with her moving in with you?!

(myself) says:

sort of

(myself) says:

i had to beg

GH.L says:

yeah...i can imagine

(myself) says:

so we are looking to find a place of our own

GH.L says:

wow (myself)...ur sounding so... *cant find the word* ... ummm

GH.L says:

i'm trying to find the word that means u know where ur going and ur being really straight forward

GH.L says:

maybe that word does not exist

(myself) says:

decisive?

GH.L says:

bingo

GH.L says:

but more than that....more....confident too

GH.L says:

i'm happy for you

(myself) says:

a girl that loves you tends to do that for you

GH.L says:

yeah

GH.L says:

and u quit uni, why?

(myself) says:

cos 1. i have no money and 2. i hate it

GH.L says:

oh well i can hardly lecture u bout quitting uni

GH.L says:

as long as ur happy

(myself) says:

Gh.M makes me so happy, it's like a dream , only i fear it will all unravel again

(myself) says:

and i know I've said that before about you

GH.L says:

think positive

GH.L says:

u'll be right mate

(myself) says:

ok")

(myself) says:

GH.L says:

wow, so much has happened since we last talked

GH.L says:

nothing has happened to me .. really

(myself) says:

what about you?

GH.L says:

ummm

(myself) says:

ok

GH.L says:

i'm going o/s in november

GH.L says:

coming home in january probably

(myself) says:

now i sort of hope you don't break up with Ben cos then you'll be after me

(myself) says:

cool where to?

GH.L says:

LOL

GH.L says:

and if i was to go after you id' face the same thing u faced

(myself) says:

yes but it would be worth it

(myself) says:

you know i dont have any regrets even though i had a lot of pain

GH.L says:

why

(myself) says:

because i can look back and say, i am a better person because of it, and i did the right thing

(myself) says:

i just am an emotional person i guess

GH.L says:

ok

GH.L says:

yeah

GH.L says:

u are

GH.L says:

but i'm not breaking up with Ben...he's perfection and when I get back to Australia in January he'll be living in Sydney so

(myself) says:

ok

GH.L says:

so what do u do with ur days?

(myself) says:

at the moment?

(myself) says:

helping Gh.M to move

GH.L says:

yea

(myself) says:

looking for work

GH.L says:

what does she do with her days? uni?? work??

(myself) says:

trying to get some money to but nice clothes so I can get a job

(myself) says:

both

(myself) says:

she works very hard

GH.L says:

ok

GH.L says:

where

(myself) says:

UWS and St Marys

GH.L says:

UWS? whats that

(myself) says:

University of Western Sydney

(myself) says:

snob

GH.L says:

i know what the uni. of western sydney is i just didnt know the abbrev. geezus i'm not a snob

(myself) says:

GH.L says:

(myself) says:

got a spare dollar cuz?

(myself) says:

to buy me some clothes for a poor westie to get a job?

GH.L says:

lol no i'm saving for europe

(myself) says:

ok

(myself) says:

what is ben's messenger address?

GH.L says:

i'm not giving it to u...1) because weird for me having u two talking 2) hes never online anyway we have to talk on the phone instead 3) why would u want to talk to him anyway?

(myself) says:

ok

GH.L says:

sorry

2003-05-21 - 11:41 a.m.

similarities and differences

I have emailed Gh.B this morning after reading her diary and it seems she is very happy that it didn't work out between us and mocks me and pities me for being an emotional person. Which upset me a bit. But I can see she has a point. I am wrong to use the talk of suicide to get sympathy. Then again, not talking about it and holding it inside is also bad. I don't hold any grudges against her. I am happy and grateful for the short time that we did spend together and for what I have learnt from it.

In many ways she is ver similar to Gh.M. Same hair, figure, eyes, beautiful smile. Her personality as well, forthright, sometimes outspoken, cheeky, but feminine and vulnerable. Although I should say, her real-life personality. Because Gh.B seems to have two personalities, the wonderful, caring, bubbly Gh.B that she is in real life, and the cynical, indecisive, pesimistic person that she creates to act has her proxy on the net.

It is freaky because I subconsciously expect Gh.M to morph into this sort of person and shatter my dreams once again. Which scares me, because they are so similar, especially physically. It's like they are long lost sisters.

But I can't control that. Like I said I will trust God, follow my heart and have no regrets.

2003-05-21 - 10:44 a.m.

big decision

We are still talking about moving in together. I am 95% sure I want to do it. There is still a little doubt in my mind though. Having talked about it more with my mum, I have found she is comfortable with the relationship side of things, but worries about the logistics, how I would get a lease without a job, getting furniture, a washing machine, etc...

Money is the main obstacle. And since my family have spent most of their lives and energy fighting over it, they should know a bit about what goes on when things go wrong. She worries that I will be left ruined if she leaves me. But I am not so much worried about my finances as my inner well being in that eventuality.

I think when it comes down to it I will have to follow my heart and love her with my whole heart and take life on head on and have no regrets. This is not the methodical, thinking me talking now. This only makes me depressed. At least if I do it this way I'll always be living in the present.

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