2003-05-01 - 10:53 p.m.

more very good advice

Here is a letter from Gh.B and I'm sure most people if they could be bothered to would write me a similar email...

I read your diary and it made me want to say some things, so here they are, in the point form because otherwise I'm vague and in no particular order...

re: emerging pattern, I think it's more because of the way you're going about things as opposed to who you are.

a) net is not a safe place, reality can easily be distorted to the point where it's not even reality anymore, and I really don't think it's a good place to find someone, because unless you know them outside of here you'll never really know them or ever be able to wholly trust them. Which is why it would be difficult to convince some to meet you outside of here. Understandably.

b) back to approach, no girl is going to want you when you make it implicitly clear that you're not looking so much for 'the' girl as opposed to 'a' girl, and no girl can stand to be just anyone. Is it me or are you looking at every girl you know through potential girlfriend goggles? ... and even if your sentiments are sincere if you don't give her time to feel it expression of them will just make her back off.

c) but anyway, I think you need to go slower. Or possibly, not at all, because I know the void you're feeling and I also know that can't just be filled by a relationship, a relationship would just make you overlook it. Whatever is making you feel that way you have to face, otherwise you won't be able to find what it is you seek. I know you're not afraid of taking risks so I suggest you invest yourself in life more, cultivate some meaningful friendships, as opposed to this search. I don't think love, if it exists, will come if you go looking.

d) maybe you're not feeling like this anymore in which case good. but I still have to say this if not for now, potentially for later so it's been said...

it's a good time to die? I know I should be more helpful and sympathetic and all that, I of course don't want you to do something like that to yourself, but I'm not going to coddle you like others might. I have no respect for people who say things like that. Life can be hard, painful, every negative adjective in the book I KNOW but I would never ever ever give it away, never really thought I could even in my lowest of lows. It may not feel like it 99% of the time, but I know it's a gift. And everyone struggles, the pain you feel isn't unique to you at all, I'm sorry. That you could even... argh. I remember being fifteen and wanting to die, and today I can't hate myself enough for those thoughts, for how stupid I was then. But now I'm a bit older, still generally stupid, but a tiny bit wiser.

So don't kill yourself, please. You don't know what comes after, and if it's the nothingness that I suspect it is, I'm sure in the longterm you're much better off here. And what would it achieve? You might end the pain but you'd also lose everything else. So I'm going to stop rationalising you out of it, you're smart enough to know these things already. And on the off-off-off chance your suicide attempt(/s) are just a melodrama thing, a "when I'm dead you'll be sorry you didn't care" type thing, just, don't okay. I've run out of words for how much that idea makes me shudder.

Final sentiment - look, go ahead and kill yourself if you really think that's what you want, but I know it isn't. And if you ever did, I'd never forgive you. So you could do it, only I would have minus respect for you. Or you could keep living and earn my respect, not to mention other people's. I don't know if any of this will matter to you at all. I just wanted it said.

So that's it. I don't know if that's what you were expecting when you opened this. If so, good, then I can't have upset you with any of the above. If not, then I guess you don't know me so well after all. It doesn't matter I guess. I keep saying this, but I just wanted it said. Some of it I was probably saying to myself as well. If you ever cared for me at all you'll take heed.

But I'm done. I'll leave you now.

I would be lying if I said that I thought she is right about everything. But I do realise that, in general, thinking of suicide is counterproductive. My heart must first recover from the realisation she doesn't want me either. If only she understood...

Although hurting other people is my main motivation for not killing myself. My brother sings a song I wrote in my darkest mood on his guitar about suicide and why the world sucks in general. My mum and he would be very sad if I did take my life. So would Gh.L and Gh.B. Although not for long.

But that's besides the point! The reason I want to die is not to inflict pain on someone else, it is to get rid of the pain! I don't hate anyone. There isn't one person on this Earth that I wish would experience my pain. And I know that if I kill myself I will make people sad. I don't want to make anyone sad. I just want to take the pain away. And I don't believe that the fact that I was or am looking for a girlfriend is a cause.

Of course, most people would have no respect for me if I did do it. But I don't mean it as a "when I'm dead you'll be sorry you didn't care" type thing, I know that Gh.B and others care a lot about me, but that's just the way life is. Girls simply don't want people like me. You might say that this is a trivial reason to give it all away. I would say that if you understood what it was like, you wouldn't say that.

But like I said this is irrelavant because, assuming I had 100% control over my actions, I would not kill myself because of the hurt it would cause others. And I am not trying to be melodramatic. I am 100% genuine. I am not hiding anything. I guess I am just a person that "feels" emotional extremes more than most.

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