2005-08-16 - 2:55 p.m.

Less frequent

If I had to repent of and give apologies for each of the times I have used this blog inappropriately, I would be writing here for a long time. Instead I will just say sorry now to all the people who actually or potentially were hurt through it. But I've decided not to delete the entire thing, that would be a shame.

Blogs of people my age usually deal with the the struggles we have and mine is no different. What I recognise of mine is how stupid I was, and all the sin I've done. I was once upset over people I now have totally forgotten, almost. So I see that how I might feel at the time is not a good reason to take any particular action.

Appying that logic to my life today is easy to do in the sense that of course it is good to know I am doing what is right, but hard because I am afraid of losing something. Undoubtedly what I might lose is greater than anything I lost before, but really, none of it is or was ever mine to be lost. I am so grateful that things didn't turn out worse than they did. I have my integrity. I don't deserve it, but I have it, thanks in no small part to Asperger's and God's wise decision not to heal me of it the moment I asked to be.

The rest is superficial. I need to be able to support myself. I need to believe in myself that I am no emotional time-bomb. I need to put others first. But still, how good was it to just roll the dice like that? I still, after two months of reflection, have no idea whether that was what I should have done, but God knew how they would land. This is the God that I trust.

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