2004-02-21 - 1:39 p.m.

A moment of quiet

Here I am with some time on my hands... Girls are occupying my mind and that is unproductive. I am going to walk to panthers in the 40C heat in a moment in the hope I will lose 5kg in the process... then I will have dinner with my quasi-family. what's new?

2004-02-21 - 12:29 p.m.

day 5 assignment

Record some of the specific differences I noticed in how I moved, breathed, used my face, and used my voice, so that I can use these biomarkers in the future:

When I was speaking despassionately, there wasn't a lot of inflection in my voice, I was sitting still, my hands didn't gesture very much, I used matter-of-fact words instead of emotive words.

When I was speaking passionately, I walked around, spoke louder, made more eye contact with the subject, used more illustrative language, was able to talk easier, it flowed better, I moved around more, I made more facial expressions, I felt better.

2004-02-20 - 9:52 p.m.

gh.l update

I messaged her yesterday and asked if I could talk to her, and she messaged back saying you are a sweet guy but "we would not be well suited". Not being "well suited" is corporate jargon used to indicate the beginning of your 4 weeks grace before being summonsed to the HR department with all your belongings. I responded and asked if there was anything I could do to change that and her response was simply "Sorry, it won't work out".

So now I am bewildered and cynical again. Not to mention depressed. Although it is in a way a relief that she had the decency to at least tell me this so that I not be in limbo for however long it would be.

It seems females are not worth the pain. Don't ask why.

2004-02-20 - 9:50 p.m.

day 4 assignment

Today's assignment is to, for each of the four actions I listed yesterday:

1. Write down 10 reasons why I must change that behaviour now; then list all the reasons why I know I can do it.

2. Interrupt my own pattern: Design four or five ways to get myself out of the limiting pattern, and do them.

3. Condition myself by rehearsing my new behaviour. Give myself a sense of accomplishment and exhilaration, pride, or joy each time I do this. Do it consistently and rapidly until each time I think of this new pattern I feel good automatically.

The 10 reasons why I must "Lose weight by altering eating habits and start exercising, specifically, replacing too much fast food, especially oporto, with more healthy food, and beginning to exercise regularly, specifically by dancing stage which is suited to my lifestyle and relatively private personality":

1. So I am not so unatractive to people

2. So I will have more physical energe and motivation

3. So I will get less anxious about myself when I think about my weight

4. So I will have a lot of self confidence in other areas of my life

5. So I will not feel the pain of feeling like I can't fit into my pants after a lunch of unhealthy food

6. So I will enjoy fitting in with people that eat healthily

7. So I will not feel so tired during the day

8. So I will have better stamina and confidence at basketball

9. So I will look nicer in flash casual clothes

10. So that my mum will say something nice about my weight

The 10 reasons why I must "Complete the position statement for Dr N":

1. So I will not have to pay additional consultation fees

2. So I have a record of how I felt in the call centre

3. So I can let it out how I feel about certain people that I cannot say to them directly

4. So I will no longer have the pain of having to suppress saying what I feel

5. To speed up the process of overcoming depression and lack of social skills

6. To have Dr N compliment me on having done it

7. To be able to learn how to better relate to people that are not always acting in the best interests of my emotions

8. So that if I go back to the call centre, I will feel more comfortable around these people

9. So that in future I will have a skill to not reflect pain onto the source person but to have a way to release it

10. So that I can stop thinking about it

The 10 reasons why I must "Call GM and and remind myself how to overcome depression and lack of interpersonal skills, and apply his suggestions to my life":

1. So I will be happier in all aspects of life

2. So I will one day no longer think of suicide

3. To take advantage of the rare opportunity to talk to someone directly about these problems

4. So I will be more comfortable around people that are also sociable

5. So I will think positively about myself of habit

6. So I will not have to go home from work so often

7. So I will not have to worry about getting sacked because I cry at work

8. So people will feel more comfortable around me

9. So I will be able to make friends easier

10. So I will have confidence to speak to people

The 10 reasons why I must "Actively practice talking to people, approaching them and wanting to talk, being interested in others":

1. So that people will enjoy being around me more

2. So I will feel better about myself with other people

3. So I will no longer have the pain of awkwardness when in social gatherings

4. So I will be confident that what I saying to people makes sense

5. So I can understand why it is that people behave towards me in the way they do and learn how to change that

6. To build self confidence in all areas of my life

7. Simply because doing it is enjoyable, if I have that attitude

8. So I can broaden my interests, and talk and learn about thinks others like to talk about

9. So I can make some friends which may come in handy one day if I am lonely or in trouble

10. To make the people I talk to feel worth something

Four or five ways I can get myself out of the limiting patterns:

1. If I feel desire for unhealthy food, to think of an image of KM and associate it with the pain of being obese and having an obese girlfriend

2. If I feel a reluctance to eat healthy food, jump up and down and get excited about how fit, healthy and attractive I am going to be

3. If I feel I am getting depressed and thinking thoughts that spiral downwards/are unproductive, recite the Hansie and Tubby part of the 12th man to make me laugh

4. If I feel reluctant to approach someone to talk to or just say hello, feel the feeling of the freedom that I will have to approach anyone, and have people feel privelaged to be able to talk to me

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