2004-02-18 - 8:54 p.m.

day 3 assignment, and anecdotal events

Today's assignment is to write down three neuro-associations I've made in the past that have shaped my destiny positively, and to list three neuro-associations that have been disempowering me until now, and decide that I will change these today.

Three neuro-associations I have made in the past that have shaped my destiny positively:

1. I have associated smoking with pain; physical pain of the smoke in my lungs from when I took a drag from my mum's cigarette when I was about 14; the pain of embarassment I can see in my mum when she smokes at home and in public; the pain of discomfort of seeing images of the impact on health of smoking in anti-smoking advertisements.

2. I have associated alcohol and drug abuse with pain; the physical pain, lack of self-control and embarassment seen in ML and people at school when they are drunk; the anger of my dad when he was drunk; the pain of the lack of control that EM, KM, AR and others at youth refuges had over their own lives due to smoking pot.

3. I have associated learning and achievement with pleasure; the satisfaction of receiving high marks at school; the encouragement from my dad when I did well; the happiness of receiving compliments for my knowledge at church and Bible study; the appreciation of other people when I am able to help them with study or using their computer, etc.

Three neuro-associations that have been disempowering me until now:

1. I have associated being sociable with others with pain; the pain of rejection if people don't want to talk to me; the pain of fear of approaching someone else to talk to; the pain of discomfort of disrupting what I would presently be doing or thinking about which is difficult with Asperger's.

2. I have associated eating some fatty foods with pleasure and some healthier foods with pain; the pleasure of the taste of the food bringing me back to the present when I am worried about things not imminent; the pain of eating vegetables that reminds me of when my mum and BG used to force me to eat them until I vomited.

3. I have associated being in the outdoors and of outdoor activities with pain; I have disliked the sun on my skin as I burn easily; the pain of selfconsciousness and embarassment as I am somewhat overweight and do not like to wear limited clothes; the discomfort of the sweat and lack of physical energy necessary for being outside.

Now that that is out of the way I can talk of Gh.L. She has, since Saturday, become uncontactable. She has not responded to my SMS for which the delivery report indicated in the affirmative. She has not answered her phone in the last three days. Typically, this means that I won't see her again, a concept my emotions have dificulty accepting. Of course, I know that it would not be beneficial for me or her if we were to be together if she didn't really want to be with me. I would really appreciate it if she would let me know. I have thought it over extensively and I cannot find a reason why girls do this. Is it fear? Fear that a man would turn violent if she simply indicated that she was no longer interested? Or is it a sadistic pleasure of causing confusion, despair and heartbreak, perhaps to compensate for a lack of physical power?

I have just attempted to ring her withholding caller ID. she answered and I said I had not been able to contact her. She said she had had the worst day. This happened less than 30 seconds ago and I cannot remember the rest of the conversation. I am pretty sure she said she would not like me to talk to her but I am not sure she meant not ever or just not now. I am very angry and full of pain. I will now take some valiums and go to sleep before I develop more destructive thoughts.

2004-02-18 - 5:54 a.m.

day 2 assignment

Today's assignment involved five steps. The first was to identify four actions that I need to take in my life that I've been putting off for some time. The second was to identify the pain associated with taking this action that I have experienced in the past. The third was to identify the pleasure I have had from not taking this action in the past. The fourth is to project and see what it will cost me if I don't change/take this action, that is, the emotional, self image, physical energy, financial and relationship costs, both in the immediate future and in 2, 3 or 5 years from now. The fifth step is to identify what I will gain in will power, emotionally, relationally, financially etc by taking this action right now.

The four actions are:

1. Lose weight by altering eating habits and start exercising, specifically, replacing too much fast food, especially oporto, with more healthy food, and beginning to exercise regularly, specifically by dancing stage which is suited to my lifestyle and relatively private personality.

2. Complete the position statement for Dr N.

3. Call GM and and remind myself how to overcome depression and lack of interpersonal skills, and apply his suggestions to my life.

4. Actively practice talking to people, approaching them and wanting to talk, being interested in others.

The pain associated with taking the actions:

1. I have felt uncomfortable breaking my routine, which is important for an Asperger's person. I have felt the pain of emotional emptiness and exhaustion at lunchtime from work making it hard to resist habit. I have disliked the physical discomfort of exercise, the embarassment of people watching me, seeing how unfit I have been.

2. I have felt that it would be an inconvenience having to take the time from other activities to do it. I have felt that it seems like a long thing to do, that it feels like work.

3. As for no 2, I have felt tired and exhausted and want to avoid talking about these things when not necessary because it hurts to recall bad memories which is necessary for overcoming the depression.

4. In the past people in general have not been either willing to talk to me, or have been uninteresting to me, and it hurts me to try to make a joke and have no one understand it, or having people not want to talk to me for reason of my appearance or apparently narrow range of interests.

The pleasure I have gotten from not taking these actions in the past:

1. I have enjoyed the taste of some fast foods, especially when I have not had much to eat and the day has been stressful. It has been comfortable for me to maintain this habit. It has been comfortable to avoid exercising around other people. It is less stressful physically to be doing something other than exercise.

2. I have felt comfortable doing other things that don't require as much concentration or time. I like to avoid talking about people that have caused me pain.

3. It is more enjoyable to avoid talking about those problems in my life. It is more pleasurable to sleep or eat something instead.

4. I have felt safer and more comfortable not talking to people because I know in doing so I am much less likely to be hurt. It has been a pleasure to be alone where I choose what I do than be subject to another or a group that either wants to do otherwise, or is not capable of knowing what it is doing.

What will it cost me if I don't change/take this action:

1. I would continue to find it difficult to be attractive to the opposite sex. I would be more reclusive and lonely and feel more rejected. I would have less physical energy with which to overcome all problems.

2. I would feel embarassment and inadequate at the next appointment. The doctor and I would have to go over what we had the previous session. I would have to pay an extra part of $172 unnecessarily.

3. I would continue on the cycle of depression. I would have a lower self esteem as a result of less positive input. I would continue to find it difficult to make friends.

4. I would continue to have below average interpersonal skills, which would result in more depression, a lesser chance of keeping my job, or getting a better one. My interests would remain narrow.

What I will gain by taking this action right now:

1. I will lose weight, have increased energy, greater self confidence, be more attractive, I will enjoy the exercise, I will feel like I am accomplisihng something.

2. I will be able to proceed with Dr N and develop better strategies to overcome Asperger's, in doing so I will find it enjoyable to talk to other people, I will find it easier to make friendships and understand why people have behaved the way they have towards me.

3. I will have a better self image, I will hve a better understanding of what it is that has made me the way I am now and hence I will be more confident to talk to other people, I will no longer have depression eventually.

4. I will gain enjoyment of talking to other people, being interesting, I will gain selfconfidence knowing that it is not going to hurt me to talk to some people. Talking to other people increases my chance of getting friends and hence of meeting other people through them.

2004-02-15 - 7:17 p.m.

Success journal, and another bleeding heart story

A lot has passed since my last entry. I will be as concise as possible.

I am now following motivational programs of Anthony Robbins and Marshall Sylver, partly as a solution to my emotional problems. One feature of the Robbins program is to keep a success journal. I figure I may as well use this online one.

The first task was to write down two decisions that I have been putting off that are accomplishable and take immediate action on them. This is to "create momentum" whatever that means. The two decisions I made were to do all the washing and hang it out and put the dry clothes away, and secondly to listen to another side of the Sylver tape. I am happy to say I was successful on both counts.

The most significant development in my life since my last entry is that I have been moved to another department within the company that I work for, and another job, due mainly to my inability to cope with the call centre due to emotional reasons. Although this is a good thing, it feels as though I have failed, that I have been demoted, and have been found deficient in my professional capabilities. Logic says that all the doctors, colleagues and managers at work have done their best in goodwill and acted both in the interests of the company and of my health. My emotions require quality time to accept this notion.

These salfsame emotions have just this weekend again found themselves the subject of the stain removal, super-wash, normal wash, spray rinse, deep rinse and spin dry more commonly known as a keen interest in a member of the opposite sex. Speaking with the benefit of hindsight both vividly of this last 48 hours, and also of occasions in the past when I have had similar feelings, I am capable of recognising that the only reasonable course of action for me to take at this point is to focus only on what I am able to control, that is, ensure that I am prepared and focussed for work tomorrow with the goal of completing the day's work to expected standards, without becoming overwhelmed by emotion.

This knowledge, however, seems pitifuly insufficient in the face of what is effectively the primary focus of my brain at the moment, namely, pondering whether there is anything I can practically do to attract Gh.L to me in the measure that I am her. Or of a measure of any size, for that matter.

In simple terms, I met her, we went out, had a drink, briefly discussed the outwardly empirical attributes of our lives, saw a movie, and had another drink, before cordially wishing each other well on our respective ways.

This is certainly nothing new under the sun, that a guy likes a girl and sees it has is responsibility to mankind to do whatever is within his power to capture her love. In the movies, this inevitably ends in success and everyone lives happily ever after. In the real world, it results in apprehended violence orders and an increase in the incidence of mental illness.

Marshall Sylver has done his part to convince me that "I don't need relationships. I am completely satisfied with my own company. I desire a relationship, I don't need one". On this occasion, however, I again made my signature mistake of making my feelings known at the earliest practical opportunity, and I regret to say that it was not reciprocated in the manner I naively had hoped. Again, in hindsight, this was a stupid expectation. I wish I could tell that to her now, but it is a mistake I must accept and move on from. I must also note though that I managed to avoid the L word. I am proud of this achievement.

But like I said, this is nothing new. I have felt similarly before, and I am still here. I will now go to bed and do my best to focus my energies on having a happy day at work tomorrow.

2004-01-25 - 7:52 p.m.

I wrote the wrong essay

I have tomorrow off, it's a public holiday. I have a lot to worry about but I can't be bothered worrying. The motivational guy wants me to repeat positive things to myself. I like myself. People like me. I have challenges not problems. And so on.

Now, this is something I wanted to do for a while. I had trouble forgiving myself a few years back for writing an essay how I was instructed to rather that make reference to the glaring lies that we were taught at university. So then, the following is more approprite to contemporary France as it demonstrates the contempt that French of Arab origin have for the rule of law, their lack of a sense of personal responsibility and their ends justify the means approach to interpersonal and national politics, all of which are the source of this country's chronic problems.

The following, then, is my translation of the song "France" by Sniper, and was a number 1 in France at one stage. The song was sent to me by a friend of mine I have in France who is studying political science.

Translation (C) gewerq 2004.

We are all united
Against the s in the cells
Pulling our heads up from misery so that people consider us
As citizens? no, as dogs
France is making us rot away
To the point where we no longer trust each other
Legislation designed to bring us down
Brothers behind bars and now
They might be thinking we're about to give up
We're not stupid, rather we are all primed
For the mission: destroy the ministers and fachists
Because these days whinging is useless
It's talking to a wall
We now believe that the only way to be heard is by burning cars
A fing hateful system
But after all, nothing changes
And I know they'd be quite happy for us to eat with each other
So-called democracy in the eyes of a sleeping people
Human rights, honestly, where did they go?
We must bring this to people's attention
So our brothers stop getting hunted
In my pride, it's our brothers who I proudly live for
And now, hate is running through our veins
Shutting us up, honestly that will be impossible when they realise
That for most of this time they are targetting us

France is a b
And we have been betrayed by the system which is what makes us hate them
Hate is what makes our language disgusting
We say, f France, by using popular music
We all agree and make fun of our repressed status
We don't give a f about the republic or about freedom of speech
We gotta change the law
So we will soon see Arabs and Blacks in power at l'Elysee

Let's blow this up!
You know that the system tramples over us
We keep our heads high, we're not about to concede defeat
Brothers in concrete, all victims of treason
Anyway, if there was genuine justice, no one would be in jail
Petty crime is on the rise, even the youngest ones are up to it
They wrecked the bus, broke the steering
And at school they are out of control
Gangs of police are always there to ruin our days
They wait until you are alone, grab you, and show you the countryside
It makes you explode, it starts with the interview
Followed by a beating then they lock you up
Anyway, we bore ourselves, hey, here we just survive
We smoke harmful things to take our minds off our trouble
Cells fix nothing, rather they make things worse
Some take drugs to just to enable them to think about other things
Our brothers are armed to the teeth
All ready to wage war
That means with the gun, rifle, vehicle, Pitt Bull or Rottweiler
Where does this lead?
Trapped in an appartment block, stay in there
But you try staying calm when your mate is being shot at
Another Arab or negro, the babylonians will be proud
That suits them nicely and they didn't even need a warrant
Brothers, I urge you, we are here to f them all
To leave their remains and legacy behind before we crack

France is a b
And we have been betrayed by the system which is what makes us hate them
Hate is what makes our language disgusting
We say, f France, by using popular music
We all agree and make fun of our repressed status
We don't give a f about the republic or about freedom of speech
We gotta change the law
So we will soon see Arabs and Blacks in power at l'Elysee

France for the French, as long as I'm here that will be impossible
By all means possible I'm spitting out the irrefutable facts
To tell the truth, the whites have lost their smile
Forced to go on, some have unfortunately died
Deliberately murdered, I feel for their mothers
Hurt by their death which are then treated as simple anecdotal events
Over-ballsy patrols by the cops make my mates feel up-tight
I feel for them as I throw stones at the J9s
I love my mates and that's why I will never leave them in concrete
Even though there are those in concrete, you know we are all the concrete youth
And now that's all there is, I've just told you the whole truth
We must make them drool, that's the only thing they deserve
My point, boys, if there is one, is that now is the decisive time
If it must be said, I'm gonna f their mothers
Anyway, I have nothing to lose any more, I'd like to have them taken down
No, the fact they carry a gun doesn't encourage me to pay the fine
The truth is hidden, you can't know what happened
The mystery of my police-custodies is a rumour which can not be proven
I deny all this whenever I am in police custody
They made me drool, the cunts, but they can't prosecute what they didn't see

France is a b
And we have been betrayed by the system which is what makes us hate them
Hate is what makes our language disgusting
We say, f France, by using popular music
We all agree and make fun of our repressed status
We don't give a f about the republic or about freedom of speech
We gotta change the law
So we will soon see Arabs and Blacks in power at l'Elysee

previous entry - following entry

gewerq.diaryland.com - an online diary. All original content © gewerq 2003-2005. All rights reserved.