2005-02-07 - 8:15 p.m.

Into the greater world

For most of school I thought that the goal was to beat as many people as possible so you can get into the best uni course, so you can get the job with the highest starting salary possible, so you can afford a house in a suburb yet undestroyed, so you can deny the realities faced daily by those who can not, thereby allowing you to work for ever-increasing incomes, hence allowing you to periodically buy items of Sydney real estate and sell them a dozen years later for three times as much, thereby creating more money and alleviating the guilt of the common amateur social engineer. And things went to plan, at least for the HSC. Then things got a bit interesting.

I find myself now with no fixed métier or income and I feel indifferent, even thankful. People, obviously, are not supposed to be like this.

I can loosely identify a couple of reasons for this. The first is my label, whose definition has been allowed to become distorted out of egoism to such an extent that it no longer really applies to me, although the effect is no less real. Put simply, it just means that, in most undertakings, I am predisposed to weigh the supporting and rebutting evidence logically, hence creating hesitation and anxiety, whereas a normal person would act impulsively based on habit, or on “what always has been done”.

Another is that I was raised as an unchristian, a term whose definition also needs a little clarification. It simply means that I have become conditioned to be able to live in an environment in which confrontation arises at a frequency proportional to the purportion of truth. It was only by the first point, and ultimately grace, that I did not form awful neuroassociations, albeit at not insignificant personal cost.

So having accepted things are not as I would have had them, I start to enjoy each day a little. The sun. A well written piece. A slice of pizza, a glass of diet coke, and the cricket in digital widescreen. Even the washing and ironing that my mum does for me.

Taking sanity and comfort from these things I set out at the Great Quest to rejoin the wider world. Friends. A job. The ability to drive a car. Maybe even an higher education. I’m not too far away.

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