2003-04-15 - 7:21 a.m.

anatomy of a bleeding heart

Morning! Happy birthday me! It's a new day. I had better put this up for future reference for myself in order to avoid denial, paranoia and gross exaggerations...

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

(myself) says:

hi

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

hiya

(myself) says:

(myself) says:

I'm just reading your last diary entry trying to decode it

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

ahh...good luck with that. I have so no idea.

(myself) says:

I am guessing that you just hurt Shelley and you think you are likely to hurt me?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

or myself or both or just everyone in my 20 metre radius...

(myself) says:

Tell me, do you actually like me?

(myself) says:

Or do you just like the way I pay you attention, cheer you up and so on?

(myself) says:

Because I can definately say straight up that I like you, and I can see myself being very happy with you for a long time, and I know that you might be cynical and say, well of course a guy would say that, but I am really the genuine type

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't know, I'm totally confused by everything at the moment... and I keep messing everything up...

(myself) says:

Talk to me

(myself) says:

I would love to see you again

(myself) says:

Do you think I/we went a bit too far yesterday?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I feel like the further I go the more mistakes I make, and that maybe I should just stop and cut everyone off from me... I don't know, no, yes, maybe, no.... why, do you?

(myself) says:

Personally I don't feel we did anything wrong yesterday, in the sense that my good judgement is not iimpaired, what I am concerned about is that you might see me as a stereotypical guy that is only after one thing, which I soo am not

(myself) says:

But having said that, I did feel gggrrrrrrrreat

(myself) says:

I was on the train last night staring into space like this and people thought I was wierd

(myself) says:

I would love to see you this afternoon if you don't have classes, or things you have to do for your mum?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

much things to do, have that assignment due tomorrow, plus am confused as hell... so not really workable.

(myself) says:

OK that's fine

(myself) says:

I mean it's not fine that you are confused

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no, it's very nonfine...

(myself) says:

Would you like to talk to me here about what you are confused about? Or should I just let you go off and maybe your head will calm down?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't know. I talk to people but things in my head just get messier... I don't know what I want or even what I'm doing.

(myself) says:

((((((((((((((Gh.B))))))))))))))

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

?

(myself) says:

It's a hug

(myself) says:

I want you to talk to me

(myself) says:

What is it that you want?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't know what to say, or even what to think...

(myself) says:

I think you do

(myself) says:

You did yesterday

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

too confused....

(myself) says:

OK then, how about you just concentrate on ths assignment, and don't talk to me or anyone until it's finished, and then you'll feel better

(myself) says:

And, I'd really love to do the assignment with you as well, I believe I can help

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't even know where anything is... brb, gotta get assignmenty stuff...

(myself) says:

ok

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

back. oh now I remember why I've been avoiding finishing this... you can't do it while listening to music, damnit. oh well...

(myself) says:

(myself) says:

What is the assignment on?

(myself) says:

I'm reading your diary from the start btw

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

the transcribey thingy, it looks so ugly... the start? yipes. the start is pretty scary.

(myself) says:

AAh!

(myself) says:

I would love to do that assignment!

(myself) says:

With you

(myself) says:

Pleeeease?

(myself) says:

Let's go to the library

(myself) says:

And then you can say you are REALLY going to the library

(myself) says:

Yes the strat is when you are all surreal and philosophical, but at the same time with a pretty positive outlook too

(myself) says:

Hey I speak 4 languages u know, I would be good at that

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

nah, I don't want to have to anoy people with having to listen to 45 seconds of conversation repeatedly, I'm already annoyed at it... I don't suppose you know where I can find degrees signs in lotus wordpro do you maybe?

(myself) says:

"The greatest thing I'll ever learn is simply to love and be loved in return. A pity there's no one to teach me. " - Let me be your teacher

(myself) says:

Edit->Symbol in Word

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I lack word. damn lotus.

(myself) says:

Lotus is lame

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

yeah. yeah. also, yeah.

(myself) says:

So you'll be doing the assignment for the rest of the day, without me?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

probably...

(myself) says:

OK

(myself) says:

I know my head is saying, just say "That's cool, good luck and I'll see you later!" but my heart is going boom boom boom boom boom and man I want to see you so much

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

awww...

(myself) says:

Let me be totally frank with you, when girls have said to me before that they are "confused" it means they don't want to see me again because it either means they have another bf already or think I am ugly or something, now I'm not sayingyou do, but I am a little paranoid

(myself) says:

See, you're not the only one that can lose their sanity sometimes

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no, my confusion stems from me being just totally not fit for any kind of relationship, as well as a billion other things...

(myself) says:

Listen, yesterday you seemed 100% fit

(myself) says:

You are not fit NOT to have someone there for you

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I'm just sick of messing things up and my logic now is, if you give/throw away everything you have, then there won't be anything to mess up.

(myself) says:

Ca you see the problem with that theory?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

the part where I would just be messing things up now to avoid doing it later?

(myself) says:

No....

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

um, then, no...

(myself) says:

(myself) says:

Throwing everything away, and not haing anything, won't give you the satisfaction you desire from not messing up what you do have

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

my ling sheets have disappeared, I have to go search the house for them, brb... but it wouldn't matter, as long as I wouldn't have to deal with messing anything up again, not having anything wouldn't matter

(myself) says:

But don't you see, it's not the not messing things up that you desire, it's the hapiness, satisfaction and relief that comes from having/doing something well, and not messing it up that you desire, and not simply the absence of messing up, understand the difference?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no, no, really all I want is to not mess things up, but I keep doing it, repeatedly, and I'd give anything, everything, for it's absence...

(myself) says:

Hmmm, ok then

(myself) says:

Will I get to see you tomorrow? Again? Ever?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't know.

(myself) says:

I have to know

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I know I'll regret this but, if you're going to force an answer from me now, than no.

(myself) says:

I'd better not force an answer then

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

yeah...

(myself) says:

Cool thing I heard someone on TV say: "Talk less -- Stalk more"

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

hehehe, wow... it's funny how little things like that come back to haunt me later

(myself) says:

I miss you so much

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

awww...

(myself) says:

I better let you go

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

forever or just for now?

(myself) says:

I wish you well with the assignment

(myself) says:

Just for now

(myself) says:

I hope to see you again

(myself) says:

I wish you knew how much I loved you

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

past tense already?

(myself) says:

I just have to learn to give you some space

(myself) says:

no!

(myself) says:

I LOVE you!

(myself) says:

I'm just all insecure wondering whether I will see you again

(myself) says:

But I don't blame you, that's just the way life goes

(myself) says:

I would do anything to see you

(myself) says:

But I know I must let you decide

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

anything? discover the cure for cancer? world peace?

(myself) says:

That's sort of how I feel

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

(myself) says:

Can't I see you at UNSW tomorrow?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

No, I have ling classes and work to do for stats...

(myself) says:

OK

(myself) says:

Would you like me to stay and talk now or would you rather concentrate on study?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

eh, I'm no good at doing work for more than 2 minutes without getting twitchy and having to do something else

(myself) says:

So you'd like me to stay?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

you can stay if you want, you're not distracting me anymore than I'm distracting me.

(myself) says:

Even though I'm all soppy and showering you with love and compliments?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

yes, even though.

(myself) says:

Aww, you are a very tolerant woman

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

it's weird being called that

(myself) says:

Called a woman?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

yeah... it puts No Doubt in my head I'm just a girl, living in captivity, your rule of thumb makes me worry some... oh I'm just a girl, what's my destiny? What I succumb to is making me numb...

(myself) says:

Well that's not quite m definition of a woman

(myself) says:

my*

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

why, what's yours?

(myself) says:

Someone who can be feminine, vulnerable, and yet strong-spirited, courageous when needed, and compassionate and passionate, and wants to love, nurture and honour and be loved and looked after

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

wow.

(myself) says:

Basically, all the qualities that I saw in you yesterday

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I can't believe you saw those things in me

(myself) says:

I can't believe you can't

(myself) says:

You are everything I wanted

(myself) says:

Like in that movie with Sandra Bullock remember?

(myself) says:

How she says all these seemingly impossible characteristics she wants in her ideal man but ends up finding him

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

the only movie I can think of with her in it is, like, speed...

(myself) says:

hehee not that one

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

um, um... what else is she in? forces of nature...miss congeniality...uh, speed2? I give up. Someone said I looked like her once.

(myself) says:

no, it's an old one

(myself) says:

Hey you do look like her

(myself) says:

Only waay better

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't really see it but hey... least I know who would play me in the movie version of my life.

(myself) says:

hehe

(myself) says:

I'd better go

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

whyfor?

(myself) says:

I'm all emotional

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

why?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

(myself) says:

Thanks

(myself) says:

Just the uncertainty

(myself) says:

I just have to give you space

(myself) says:

At least for tonight

(myself) says:

I'll survive

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't really need spcae, just, time...

(myself) says:

OK, I can give you that

(myself) says:

Would you like to call me if you are any less confused?

(myself) says:

When you've had some time

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't know when I'll have time and I won't have much to say...

(myself) says:

Let's set a time

(myself) says:

Let's go on a proper date

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I'm not ready

(myself) says:

OK

(myself) says:

I'd better leave now before I completely blow any chance

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

you're not doing that, I'm messed up, it's me, but if you want to go..

(myself) says:

Oh well

(myself) says:

I love you

(myself) says:

And I'll talk to you later

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

okay. bye.

(myself) says:

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