2003-05-14 - 2:19 a.m.

brief

It's going well with Gh.M. We are getting on very well, my family likes her.

Other things are not so well. I am doing poorly at uni and I have no money. Centrelink is stupid. People at soccer are still unpleasant.

I'm going to bed now.

2003-05-10 - 1:57 a.m.

friends in high places

I have spoken to Gh.M tonight. She makes me happy. Even though she had a bad day, I was happy just to know that I could be there for her and that she wanted to talk to me about it. I am looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow.

I have the house to myself tonight as my mum has decided on a whim to drive down to Goulburn to visit a man from the internet. Sounds familiar. Perhaps it is my influence... So I have the hillsong music up at 2 a.m. and am in an uncharacteristically expressive mood.

I don't feel like writing anything negative today. I'll break into country-gospel instead ;)

Kom op, ons het vriende in hoë stande!

Ek was behoeftig en 'n vriend
nodig gehê
Ek was aleen en help nodig gehê
Ek het erg gesukkel
Maar iemand het my gered!

My God is sorg meer as ek kan verklaar
Sy genade is nuut elke dag
Ek kniel, ek bid
Toe is myn help goed op pad!

Deur die geloof en nie die oë nie
As alles mis word bly dit só glad nie
Iemand groter
Hou my toesig!

My God is sorg meer as ek kan verklaar
Sy genade is nuut elke dag
Ek kniel, ek bid
Toe is myn help goed op pad!

Nou dat ek deur die geloof bly
Het ek alles wat ek nodig het
Deur die geloof en nie die oë nie

Ek het vriende in hoë stande
Ek het iemand dat ek kan roep
En ek het iemand wat my toesig hou

Deur die geloof en nie die oë nie
As alles mis word rus dit só glad nie
Iemand groter
Hou my toesig!

My God is sorg meer as ek kan verklaar
Sy genade is nuut elke dag
Ek kniel, ek bid
Toe is myn help goed op pad!

My God is sorg meer as ek kan verklaar
Sy genade is nuut elke dag
Ek kniel, ek bid
Toe is myn help goed op pad!

2003-05-08 - 2:59 p.m.

I make a mistake

Gh.M messaged me back and said she missed me and said she wanted me to give her a hug. I feel lucky. But there are other things in my life that are not going so well.

My mum's interest in her has gone from casual fascination to keen excitement to overprotective cynicism and now to paranoid nagging. Now I worry about Saturday. I mean, everything will be ok, I'm sure of it, but I just wish my mum would afford me just a *little* bit of space to make my own judgements.

The sad thing is though, in some way, she has a point. She rightfully points out that no girl can solve all my problems, and that I shouldn't have stayed up late last night, and I should really have attended the uni class today which I made the catastrophoic mistake of informing her that I skipped. The problem arises when she finds herself incapable of destinguishing between my various infractions of character and hence jumps to conclusions, like that I will drop out of uni, or break Gh.M's heart or have mine broken by her.

So I will reaffirm some things here. My education is important to me. Gh.M is important to me. My family is important to me.

I make mistakes like everyone. As students go, I confess that I am probably below the median in terms of selfdiscipline. I don't say that I believe that this is OK, nor do I say that it is the end of the world. Having a person like Gh.M makes me look at these things more seriously. But I don't want to go back to seeking out the fear of failure as a motivation for changing my habits. I trust that if I am worthy, I will overcome.

2003-05-06 - 2:25 p.m.

gym

I went to the gym last night for the first time. For that particular gym, that is. It was an experience. Everything was nice and clean, not stinky and old like the gym I went to in France. My brother made the observation that all the other guys there were beefcakes, and not at all people that needed to get fit. One of them inparticular drew enjoyment out of seeing me struggle to complete my final set of 20kg benchpresses. It's not that I am not physically up to exercise, it is this sort of humiliation, it is psychological. Although to be fair, there were just as many friendly guys there that were eager to lend a hand. All beefcakes, but friendly nonetheless.

One guy Vaughn introduced me to his fellow beefcake friend Carl who told me and my brother how to do everything correctly so as not to injure yourself. He diplomatically suggested that I not attempt the same poundage as my brother. This morning I woke up and my legs were a bit sore. And tonight I have soccer. But , no pain no gain, is what they say. Anyway as I have leart recently, physical pain is nothing, especially when you know it is doing you good in the longrun. It is emotional pain that is lifethreatening.

We plan to go back there regularly. Whether my discipline holds up is another thing.

I have spoken to Gh.M last night. I am very happy and lucky to have met her. The challenge now is to face up to everyday life between the times of happiness. And I may be getting ahead of myself because I have only seen her once. But I have this confidence. Happy is not an adequade description. More like renewed, refreshed. Like I said I had better take it slow. I have made mistakes before. But having experienced emotional exhaustion, it is refreshing to know that all that is required of me now is to be still and trust. I can do that.

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