2005-02-12 - 3:10 p.m.

Say to this mountain

Mum I don’t mean to be angry at you. I am sorry I just feel uncomfortable when you stand close. I know that it is not normal and that people should be able to stand close. I don’t mean to shout at you. I wish you didn’t make negative comments about all sorts of things. I will try to go to bed when I am tired and try to go to sleep regardless of the noise. Even if by most people’s standards the noise might be not a lot. My middle back of the left ear still hurts from when I wore the earplugs about 4 weeks ago. That is why I can’t wear them. If I scream I don’t mean it at you. I just really really want to go to sleep but I can’t go to sleep from whatever reason be it my thoughts and anger or the noise. Please don’t get angry at me if I scream. I want to get a job and be able to support myself like a normal person. I find that in the past when I have been at work and had not had more than 7 hours of sleep the night before that I could not control my anger. But I have just sat there wishing I was dead for the whole day while scrunching bits of paper. I don’t want to control you. I wish I wasn’t like this and didn’t have any problems. I know that when I try to go to bed I genuinely want to go to sleep and I have so much anger I can’t go to sleep. I am scared that you will come in to my room. I am scared that you will make some bad comment about me. I am scared that you will make pouting noises and angry comments because you can not be as loud as you want to be because you know that I am trying to go to sleep. And then I know you are getting even more angry with me and knowing this it is difficult to get to sleep. Maybe I am just making it up all in my head and if that is the case I don’t want it to be like this. I wish that you could make as much noise as you want and stay up as long as you want and I will be oblivious to it and sleep through it regardless. That was the idea behind me getting up at 7 am every morning so that I would be so tired at night time that I would be able to fall off to sleep regardless of the amount of noise. But it didn’t work like so and instead I got even more angry. I don’t mean to take the anger out on you. I wish I was just like any other normal person who are apparently able to get to sleep no matter how much noise there is around and who are more able to control their anger. But I am not so. The fact that I am not so is not a conscious choice on my part designed to diminish your freedom and quality of life. I wish to be able to get a job and a car license and I feel very frustrated that I can’t make progress towards either without risking a bad incident of anger from lack of sleep. The way I think might make the reasons why this is the case to me impossible to understand, maybe I really do have control over my sleep and anger, and if I just said to myself “fall asleep”, and truly believed that it would happen if I believed it would, then I would fall asleep straight away regardless of any noise or anger. But I am sorry that I do not have so much faith in the current circumstances. Love and hugs.

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