2003-05-05 - 10:34 p.m.

This time I know it

I don't know what to say. The sceric of a doubt that is in my mind that Gh.M will decide that she doesn't want me is keeping me from undoing a lot of things I have said on this site so far. I can recognise that it is just because I have been smitten that I feel much better all of a sudden. Many of the realities of life are still there. It seems though that the most hurtful worry is now gone. I shouldn't really be thinking like this. I set myself up to get my heart broken and it has been broken a number of times recently as this diary attests. But Gh.M is worth it.

Funny though. That from a logical point of view, no other girl mentioned in this diary could ever have seriously been able to form a stable long term relationship with me for various reasons. In my subconscious, I believed the lie that our society tells us, that girls can give you either short term enjoyment or life long commitment, but never both.

I have not mentioned my ex in my diary so far not deliberately but now it is appropriate. For some selfrighteous, pious reason, one of the reasons I was attracted to my ex is that she was NOT physically attractive. My puritain mind figured that this was an advantage to attaining a successful long term relationship, as I would not be tempted. And as wonderful as she was in this regard, it was just not going to work.

And it was in this lonely, downcast, bitter mind that I decided to move toward the other end of the scale, and place physical attractiveness at the top of the list of attributes for prospective girlfriends. This also meant that faith was a secondary consideration. I then proceeded to meet girls from the net in this mindset. The resulting pain and despair are well documented in this diary.

But Gh.M has shown me that I was wrong. I love her. This time I know it.

2003-05-05 - 5:04 p.m.

hope

I was going to write all about this, but I have just received this email which expresses it better than my melancholic mind would have put it. More details to follow.

hello there. how, are you? i am so tired. but it was worth it. i am so sorry about last night, making you catch a cab home or to the station or whatever you did. did you get home alright? i feel really bad. but i didnt want you to be there in the morning (well i did want you there, but i didnt want K and R to find you there) because i didnt want to make things with kym worse, and it does say in my tenancy agreement that i am to have no overnight visitors or whatever without prior arrangement. i wish i had more freedom. i wish i had a place of my own and a car of my own, then you could come over anytime, stay anytime or whatever and i could go where i wanted do what i wanted whenever.

anyways, being where i am is better than being eat home. i am so glad i didnt tell them that i was going to meet you, being this guy id never met, and only known for a number of hours, otherwise they would have freaked out when i didnt come home, thinking that you might not have turnred out alright or something and they would have been worried that youd done something to me or something. you get my drift. anyways, now ill just have to make up for it, and be very careful what i do.

hey listen, ive been thinking, well thats fine, but i think it is a smart idea. i feel like a b. the way i made you feel, and stuff, and then now im turning around and saying that thats all your getting for now, and i feel mean. but i feel like you were right in holding your ground. i love you and i want to keep you, so we have a lifetime ahead of us, why push it all too fast now. look, im sorry if thats disappointed you or whatever, but it was what you were saying last night, and it just took me longer to think about it than you. i feel really slack. when it happens it happens, but i dont want to push it, and i feel like thats what i was doing yesterday. you just throw all my plans out the window. 1st by meeting you after one night of messaging (but then on the other hand, i probably learnt a lot more from that message than i would in a couple of email exchanges anyway), 2nd by meeting you alone without someone else with me, 3rd by kissing on the first date, 4th by being alone with you without lots people around, 5th by already being your girl within just over 24 hours of meeting you, and 6th by wanting to do things to you. theres probably more, but they are the most obvious. it is absolutely crazy, but wonderful crazy, but then again we are crazy, crazy for each other. and just one more thing, its not your fault, and i love hearing you say it, but could you please try not to say it so much. actions to me mean a lot more than words. im the kind of person that needs hugs, and little things done for me and for people to show me they accept me or whatever. words can become meaningless, and just said because its whats supposed to be done or what youve always done. i know you love me, but i will admit that saying it all the time sort of started to get on my nerves a little bit. just take it easy. im not gonna up and leave you tommow or whatever your afraid of, so you dont have to say it to try and convince me to stay or anything. just show me you love me through little things, such as hugs, kisses, appreciative coments, enjoying being with me, spending time with me and just doing little things for me, such as buying me flowers or something (no i am not trying to use that as a hint or anything im just trying to explain something, so please dont go and buy me flowers just because ive written it there).

ok, so on to a lighter note. ive forgotten your address. i think it was (nice try), i cant even remember that, but i do remember (etc). is your house close o the train station, coz ill catch the train up sometime on saturday, and catch it home again sometime on sunday.

the lecturer told us this morning that we can have another week for one of our assignments, so that was excellent, because it was due on friday and thats what i was suposed to spend half the weekend doing, that and also i had to spend time doing my presentation thats due this thurs, but i was distracted all weekend. i figured id go out with you on sat and then spend sun night doing my uni work, well there went that as well. im babysitting tonight, so i might even take it over there and do it after ive put them to bed. theres Ch, shes 6, R 4 and the little boy Ca is almost 2. they are great kids. the girls are always well behaved, and calebs pretty good, but usually hes already asleep when i get there. well this one time, they let him stay up with me and the girls, and then i tried to put him to bed, but the girls were allowed to stay up and watch a movie with me. well caleb wasnt happy that they got tobe with me and he didnt. he kept crying and wouldnt let me leave him and stuff. well i managed to settle him for a while, and then i went back and finished watching monsters inc with the girls, then put them to bed. R had fallen asleep during the movie, so i carried her in and put her to bed, and Ch climbed in to bed and crashed, then i went to check on Ca, and he stirred, when i left him he realised i wasnt there and started crying again. id been thinking that it was because usually hes asleep when i get there and doesnt realise that mum and dad arent there, and it was the first night hed gone to sleep without his bottle, coz Ja couldnt find it anywhere, so i figured he was just unsettled. hed just settled and gone to sleep, and 15 minutes later they came home. the first thing ja did was go and peek in on the kids. well you can guess what happened when she opened ca's door. he started crying again. well ja picked him up and brought him out and daddy gave him a cuddle too, then he saw me, and climbed down and came over to me and started trying to play again. it was then that we realised all he wanted to do was play with Gh.M. he didnt miss mum and dad at all, he just wanted me.

anyway now that you got through that story you are probably bored. im sorry babe if i did bore you. well theres not much else i can think of to talk to you about right now, so ill go and do some more typing for my presentation. i am at uni and i have a 4 hour break, so i thought id start it off by emailing you, but now i better go and do some work. love you always,
your (etc)

I love her.

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