2004-11-24 - 2:50 p.m.

it is better to be awake

I was due at class each of the last three days. Each time I didn’t go. Why?

I am stuck in between taking responsibility and blaming my conditions and circumstance. On both Sunday and Monday nights I forgot to take my medication. When I was in bed I am too angry and forgot. I spent much of Sunday on the bed, screaming. On Sunday and Monday nights I was too tired to go to bed and stayed up playing videogames until around 4 am, and slept in long into the afternoon on each occasion. Last night as soon as I got home from bible study I ingested 60 mg of Axit and one Valium. I went to sleep around 11:30 pm.

I regained consciousness around 9 am. I remember looking at the clock and knowing I should get up. Why didn’t I? I wasn’t even really tired, I was slightly drowsy. I had had ten hours sleep. And yet, I felt a tremendous pain. It wasn’t physical pain. It was that I wanted so much to cease to exist at this point.

At this point I could have chosen to fight the pain, get up, have a shower, get dressed, pack what I need, and go to class. The last time I fought the pain was last Wednesday, and I ended up on the concrete outside the class crying and screaming.

So I stayed in bed, curled up and hoped that I would cease to exist. I remained in a half-asleep state until about 12 pm, and about an hour later I got up.

So I deduce that it is better to fight the pain and give myself a chance of making my life better in some way, and if the pain is too much, at least I will not have suffered alone.

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