2004-07-28 - 5:04 p.m.

Purpose

Day 1

In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is realy about Christ, not myself?

- regular Bible reading, church going etc, prayer

I find this relatively easy as I think a lot.

Day 2

Knowing that God has uniquely created you, what areas of your personality, background and physical make-up do you struggle to accept?

- Personality: Asperger's. I don't know whether I should accept it or pray for a cure.

- Background: non-Christian, parents' divorce.

- Physical: -.

Day 3

What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life. What do I want it to be?

- I don't know what they would say. Probably that there is no driving force of my life.

- I want to know what God wants the driving force of my life to be and I would like the driving force of my life to be what God wants the driving force of my life to be.

2004-07-14 - 5:18 p.m.

so this led to that and...

It's been an incredible 24 hours. Too much detail to waste time writing here, but, and perhaps this might be a phase, but just maybe I have put thoughts of hurting myself and/or others behind me for good... I owe it to myself to make something of this half-full life. Perhaps the reason that it has taken me so long to come to this is that I had previously focussed on how annoying were the people that were trying to encourage me with their efforts. I only have one life. So...

Personal Development Ideas;

Six areas:

Physical; Intellectual; Emotional; Spiritual; Social; Financial.

What can I do in each of these areas – actions for personal development:

Physical:

Exercise:
On Playstation dancing games – eg. 30 min (game-time) session.
Walking/jogging as opposed to using transport.
Push-ups; push-ups against wall; hand clenches; sit-ups; squats; jogging in my room while listening to teaching/tapes; etc.
Learn a method of self-defence
Learn ice-hockey

Emotional:

Tape/mp3/CD rescource-related:
Use “Power” teaching sides and programming side regularly;
Use Personal Power II regularly, ie daily until it’s all finished at least once, and do the assignments diligently.
Go through Personal Power II again diligently.
Take singing lessons

Doctor/advice-related:
Attend doctors’ appointments, follow advice ie. Take medication, relaxation techniques;
Attend a support group to discuss.

Intellectual:
Learn languages
Make efforts to participate in Bible Study/ other intellectual groups

Spiritual:
Read the Bible regularly;
Pray regularly and at times when I can focus on praying and not be disturbed, and have an idea of how to pray effectively and in a way appropriate to my situation;
Go to church and Bible study when I feel it will help me with my relationship with God.
Pray for others often, always with their welfare in mind.

Social:

Go to church and Bible study and support groups etc. and be open and true and at the same time positive and forward, enter discussions and don’t worry about rejection;
Listen to D resource regularly (lesser priority than other resources);
Use “Passion” teaching and use its programming side regularly.

Financial:

Income:
Currently on pension, no plan in the immediate or short term to increase income through employment as I need to improve my mental health first.

Other:
Sell things not helpful in my life on eBay;
Use “Profit” teaching and use programming resource regularly.


Universal Time management schedule;

The most important area at the moment is: Mental.
The next most important area at the moment is: Social.

The most important things to do each day are (time required):
Do a PPP-related programming session (30 mins; quiet time);
Do a PPII-related day’s activities (50 mins; quiet time);
Have a conversation with someone and talk openly appropriate to how I feel eg. If I feel very bad, say so and say that I just need someone to talk to, to let it out, not necessarily to get advice (10-30 mins);
Pray (10-30 mins; quiet time).

Total so far: 1 h 40 mins – 2 h 20 mins (1h 30 mins – 1 h 50 mins quiet time).

So:

Say, 2 h quiet time required: it seems the best time to do these things is in the morning.

Other immediate/short-term goals:
Get my P’s (R class)

2004-07-13 - 9:07 p.m.

is it weird that the foul pole is in fair territory?

(Friend) says:
you there?
(Friend) says:
apparently not.
(Friend) says:
I finished my exams last Thursday. On Saturday (personal)
(myself) says:
hey
(myself) says:
yes
(myself) says:
whoo hoo

(myself) says:
ok
(myself) says:
i have had a drama filled day
(Friend) says:
what happened? Did you go to see a play or something
(myself) says:
i was shouted at for 30 mins and threatened to get taken to court, sued, have private investigators follow me
(Friend) says:
by whom? concerning what?
(myself) says:
and i am not on very good terms with my parents so they cant help
(myself) says:
by this guy who (etc) was uncontactable
(myself) says:
but (etc) i think i could be in some serious trouble
(myself) says:
for a (etc)
(myself) says:
he looked/sounded like a crim
(Friend) says:
mmm. So this guy (etc) he didn't contact you again (etc) Is that right?
(myself) says:
no its a long story
(myself) says:
if i go away i am cooking dinner ok
(Friend) says:
prob too long for msn. Maybe better in email or in person or something
(Friend) says:
ok
(Friend) says:
if I go away it means (etc)
(myself) says:
(etc), he (etc) and said he noon today, i rung him 12:25, 12:4, 1pm, no response, finally he answered saying WHAT, then arranged at 4 pm, 4:30, 5pm same deal, then i was worriedn and rang the pastor from church, said (etc), then he came round and trouble started etc
(myself) says:
ok
(Friend) says:
and since that time have things calmed down a bit? I mean is he still on your case?
(myself) says:
this was about 1 hor ago
(myself) says:
i am still shaking
(myself) says:
hour
(Friend) says:
i understod yo
(myself) says:
he said he will take me to court
(myself) says:
hes not here now
(Friend) says:
Over $20
(myself) says:
well yes
(Friend) says:
tricky situation.
(myself) says:
o well
(Friend) says:
just let it rest for a bit and see what happens. I doubt he will take you to court.
(myself) says:
i know
(myself) says:
on the weekend it was bad
(Friend) says:
what happened?
(myself) says:
i was very anxious and had a dew incindences, i was so angry i thought i was going to hurt my mum or (etc) or something
(myself) says:
i was very depressed and angry
(myself) says:
in the last month or so i have been taking my anger out on a lot of people that didn't deserve it or at least i was wrong to do it
(Friend) says:
and do you think there's anything specific that's been causing this anger ove the last month?
(myself) says:
i have changed medications
(Friend) says:
do you think that's it?
(myself) says:
maybe
(myself) says:
i have just given up
(myself) says:
well thats not right
(Friend) says:
no?
(myself) says:
i dont know
(myself) says:
i dont know what i am supposed to be living for, it makes no difference to anyone
(Friend) says:
let me know when you decide whether you've given up
(Friend) says:
That's a tough question. Because I don't think anyone feels like they know what they are supposed to be living for.
(myself) says:
well why do most people find it easy to do things?
(Friend) says:
probably because they don't stop to think why the heck they are doing them.
(myself) says:
exactly so why can't i be like that
(Friend) says:
dunno. You are how you are.
(myself) says:
i refuse to accept that
(Friend) says:
what do you mean?
(Friend) says:
Do you refuse to accept that you are who you are or that you cannot change?
(myself) says:
if i am just like this i dont want to live
(myself) says:
that i cannot change that i have aspergers or whatever is wrong with me
(Friend) says:
Well they are two distinct issues. You are who you are. That means I can't explain why you are like this and other people aren't. But that's not to say things can't change.
(myself) says:
not according to the doctors
(Friend) says:
really?
(Friend) says:
they reckon you will be like this for the rest of your life? Can't things change?
(myself) says:
according to them u jst have to live with it
(Friend) says:
But that might involvbe change. The symptoms might not be so bad as time goes by.
(Friend) says:
i have changed my status to busy but will still be around. I had to get rid of another conversation
(myself) says:
ok
(Friend) says:
what have you been doing apart from drama and feeling rotten?
(Friend) says:
Been up to much?
(Friend) says:
Did you watch the AB's beat the Pacific Islanders?
(myself) says:
no when was that?
(Friend) says:
last Saturday -- 7.30 pm Kiwi time
(Friend) says:
would have been on foxtel i think
(myself) says:
no i missed it
(Friend) says:
me too
(myself) says:
i was at lithgow having panic attacks
(Friend) says:
what were you doing in lithgow? Was (person)'s band playing?
(myself) says:
and being tourtured by my mum
(myself) says:
yes
(Friend) says:
http://www.planetrugby.com/Tournaments/ Pacific_Islanders/story_37183.shtml
(Friend) says:
is his band any good?
(myself) says:
yeah its good
(Friend) says:
not just by lithgow standards?
(myself) says:
i dont like that type of music anyway
(Friend) says:
i don't really know what type of music his banc plays anyway
(myself) says:
just comtemporary i guess
(Friend) says:
in my experience, everytime I hear a rock band play -- whether in a pub or wherever -- it's too loud. They pump up the amps so loud that you can't actually hear the singing. It gets all distorted and is often drowned out by the bass, drums and guitar
(Friend) says:
that sux in my book. I want to hear what's going on
(myself) says:
no this time the sound was good
(Friend) says:
cool.
(Friend) says:
i think there is a breed of sound ppl who think that the ouder something is the better. But you reach a point where it becomes too loud to enjoy it.
(Friend) says:
2 Rugby matches this weekend: Aus v NZ (from the Caketin) and RSA v Pacific Islanders (from Gosford).
(Friend) says:
you gonna watch any of them?
(myself) says:
cool yes
(Friend) says:
i dunno if I can. I'll be somewhere in Denmark and will be struggling to find an Irish pub open at 9.30 in the morning for kickoff.
(myself) says:
cool
(Friend) says:
Did i tell you I'm going to Legoland?
(myself) says:
no cool
(Friend) says:
yeah that will be awesome.
(myself) says:
the All Blacks firing the first shot - by insinuating that the Wallabies are 'soft' and afraid of the physical side of the game. - haha
(Friend) says:
yeah. I gotta go. I have some admin stuff to take care of.
(Friend) says:
I have to sort out (etc) before I leave.
(myself) says:
ok have a good time in denmark
(Friend) says:
But I have to sort it all out now lest I miss out on a place.
(myself) says:
i see
(Friend) says:
yeah. I'll email you again soon.
(Friend) says:
or maybe msn from somewhere in Europe!
(myself) says:
ok see you later
(Friend) says:
l8r

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