2003-04-14 - 7:00 p.m.

a day less happy

It's been a very emotional day. Not that there has been an event as such that has changed me. I guess it is natural to fear something bad that you have already experienced. There seems to be a recurring pattern of hope and cruel disappointment in my life.

I had better spit it out. I am very attached to this girl. And it is unknown what will happen. It is not an exaggeration to say I am in love. What I felt for Gh.L was more born out of a moral justice thing and jealousy , and disbelief that she chose that twit over me. I guess I think too much.

I know that what I must do, is just let Gh.B go and if she comes back, great, if not, I must be strong, and concentrate on study. This theory is simple and not difficult to execute.

Unfortunately human chemistry complicates things. But it is not only chemistry. Who else in this world do I know better? Who am I closer to in my mind? These rhetorical questions seem simple to a man like me, although there is in the back of my mind an annoying voice that coldly says that all girls are the same, there is no special one "chosen" for me, it's all just chemicals...

But I genuinely don't believe this. Perhaps this is my weakness. If I were able to walk away like a robot I would not feel any pain. But I would also never know the joy of having a soulmate or being able to comfort and nurture someone to be happy.

And this is by my own choice: I am no longer going to choose the safe path. I am not going to stop living as a means of minimising the harm, pain or anger. I have talked of suicide before. I have found out the hard way that it achieves nothing. I am not going back to this way of thinking. But nor am I going to pretend that everything is OK. Nor am I going to fear writing this that I might scare someone away that might be reading it. I am me, and no-one else. And I don't want to be anyone else.

I will no longer look at the shaky hands or the teary eyes or the tense throat or queasy stomach as evidence of any impending doom. Rather despite these things I will get back up and keep going, trust God that he knows the future for me that I do not, and accept that I may have to dust myself of again one day.

2003-04-13 - 9:28 p.m.

a happy day

Wow! I am pleased to announce that today has been a happy day for me. I met the girl from this site. She was much better than I imagined her to be. She is smart, beautiful, sweet, feminine, ... I could go on but it would just look like I am trying to impress her because it is likely that she will read this. I am so happy that she even seems to find me attractive as well. Perhaps I am in that phase where I am looking at things through rose-coloured glasses at the moment. She just made me feel so good to be with her today and she knows it! So I am praying that I will not let her down and I can be a blessing to her, and that we can grow closer and closer...

The only person I've told so far is my mum, and I only said that "I met a girl and we had a nice time." So there is the part of me which wants to spread the news. Then again we only have just met, so I should keep a level head.

This also means I must and will inform any other potential girlfriends of latest developments should it become necessary, which is likely. I am a loyal person and besides, she is worth it!

I'd best get back into the real world and think about study before we see each other again... :)

2003-04-13 - 12:57 a.m.

ethical puzzle

Gee it's an adventure life. Not always what you want. Went to a 21st tonight. A lot of happy couples. Really nice people too, not just sluts. So I know nice girls are out there. Just that finding one seems like climbing mount Everest. Best not to forget about it.

Also recently I have felt bad for some reason because I am looking to meet girls on the net just totally honourably as friends, and then I can't help thinking that if the person that I am talking to knew I am also making friends with another girl on the net then they wouldn't be as "nice" to me or whatever. This stems from my low selfconfidence. Like it's not as if I'm doing anything wrong. Like I'm cheating on some non-existant girlfriend by talking to someone as a friend.

Specifically, a girl that I have met recently, Gh.Kr, is amazing, on initial reports she is every bit as intelligent and beautiful as Gh.L and actually happens to be single. And also agrees with me about current affairs and stuff which I find rare. And there is also a girl from this website that I have met, that I also feel a great... I hesitate to use the word "love"... let's say I feel like I know her so well and would feel so at home to be her special someone... I mean, I have never been dishonest to either one. If something were to "develop", there is no way I would be hiding it. Anyway I should get over it...

2003-04-11 - 9:18 p.m.

reflections

Wow a lot has happened since I last wrote here.... let's see. I feel terrible for skipping uni, and for getting told off at soccer. It feels like I am a failure at whatever I do. But I know all is not lost and I can just get up and try again. I know my loneliness is only one thing of many. All my problems won't magically disappear if I meet a wonderful girlfriend. Even though that's how my heart feels.

I've visited my grandma today. She was nice as usual. I spent the afternoon helping to move her stuff and carry the stuff my mum couldn't lift. At least she appreciates me. No one could come to watch the super 12 with me. I think the tahs got their arses kicked anyway... o well

I have to learn to be more socially outgoing I think. I am so lonely. I should approach some people and say hi at uni or wherever. It's so hard though. I need to be able to talk to someone. But I know it is only me that can help me. Whinging to people won't make them want to be with me. I just want some good friends. I guess I have Fh.D and Fh.St that I can talk to when they're not busy. Which is always. They are very nice people. I wish I could be like them. Then again Fh.D said he'd ring me to organise doing something tonight and its already 9:20. Yeah thanks.

O well. I guess it is this attitude that is the source of the pain. Apart from them, well there is my brother who can be a help when he is here, which is rarely. My mum is not sympathetic. O well. It's up to me...

2003-04-09 - 12:22 p.m.

38 grams of fat per serving

I feel terrible. That friend emailed me back. Saying she can't "help" since I don't want it. Which is sort of true. But I'm not really as bad as I make out. I walk around and look like a normal person. People who have happy lives just can't understand the hurt. But I shouldn't blame them for that, I whould be happy for them. It just so happened that this person asked me in detail about how I was feeling regarding the realisation that Gh.L doesn't want me and the emails have had a negative tone ever since. First step to rectify that: send her an email back saying I am all smiles :) After all I do paint a sad picture of myself some times. Perhaps in a future entry I will list all my positive attributes for me to cheer myself up when I need it.

Centrelink appointment this morning. Don't even want to talk about it. The government says I can live on $204 a fortnight whilst paying $150 rent, $60 train weeklies, food, clothes, shampoo, soap, internet not to mention razzling and dazzling any potential girlfriend.

O well! Last night at soccer I ate a sausage roll which, according to the wrapper, contained 38 grams of fat. D'oh! So much for fitting into the 4th knotch ;) So today for lunch I intend to have one of those subway subs with "6 grams of fat or less". I have no idea what they taste like but I'm up for a new experience...

Then I'm going to copy all the DSPP labs and stuff onto my harddrive and get stuck into them.

2003-04-09 - 12:44 a.m.

money worries

I feel like writing about my day after all that gloom...

This morning I woke up with the intention of catching the train to uni early and get some work done before my classes at 3. Which I did, I got to uni at about 9, and was so tired I slept until about 12 at a desk. Then I attempted some DSPP, went to my DF tut and understood virtually nothing, although now at least I know how to start PostreSQL up, went to soccer, everyone was whinging and b ing even more than usual...

Now tomorrow... appointment with Centrelink, doom and gloom, I don't know how I am going to survive on $200 a fortnight, paying $150 rent and two $30 weekly tickets... my mum is freaking out. This is what makes me envy poshy North-shore people... but I'll just take each day as it comes and if I am not completing this diary, it's that I can't afford the internet any more. Actually the future is quite grim financially, I have to just try not to think about it, and have faith that I will be out of uni one day and be able to get a job... it seems such a long way away but I just have to start by studying well tomorrow and not worrying too much.

Better get some sleep then :)

2003-04-08 - 11:17 p.m.

suicide attempts

I must qualife some things in that email. About me having attempted suicide. I have told her that I have attempted suicide 4 times. I'm not sure myself whether that is quite the truth.

The first time is a figment of my imagination I think in 1995. Like something that I thought about so many times at that stage of my life I am convinced it actually happened but there is no empirical evidence to back that up.

The second in 2000 was best described as willful lack of regard for my own safety on a busy higway, rather than a pro-active attempt to terminate my existance.

The third in 2001 was the worst, I was realy going to jump of the 5th floor of the campus but was restrained by my fellow students. Of course, if I had really wanted to die, I would have gone to another window where there were no people to "save" me. I just wanted to make the impression that I didn't appreciate their continual abuse and treating me like crap. An impression which lasted for oh, about 24 hours.

The fourth last year was when I was very hysterical and crying uncontrolably one of those nights and willfully took Valium tablets and a gulp of water alternately with the miniscule reserve of control my brain still exerted over my muscles until I was no longer capable. I woke up the next morning and staggered around a bit, went back into bed, felt terrible for the next few days, managed to survive though, and no one ever noticed. I was living with a flatmate at the time who cared little for me except for paying the rent on rent day.

So whether that was an exaggeration or not hinges on one's interpretation of what constitutes a "suicide attempt". Regardless, I am somewhat more mature today than I was at these times, and am able to deny the thoughts that would hurt me or atleast to a much greater extent than I ever have.

2003-04-08 - 11:07 p.m.

an email from a friend

entry removed for respect for his privacy

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