2004-09-22 - 7:29 p.m.

at the time, I...

I have been down for several days now. I find it hard to see what I should do with my life. People have given me things to do like water the garden, rake up leaves, help wash a car. In each case I feel like my efforts are only making the car dirtier, making the concrete messier. I am conscious of being overweight. If I can't sweep a path or point a hose at a plant, how can I keep a job?

Last night I was acutely aware of how out of shape my body is. I had so much anger that every muscle in my body was burning and I had difficulty breathing. There were a dozen or so people in the room. One of them offered to give me a lift home. He offered to pray for me and reminded me that I needed professional help. I was not in control of myself enough at the time to tell him that professionals have tried to help me for the last 13 years and I have only gotten worse during that time.

I am doubting whether it is a good thing to write this; whether I should believe that there is no problem other than that which I create by speaking it. I have no one to talk to. The bottom line is that there is no one that is concerned in the slightest about any detail of my life, so I have little motivation to do anything.

I am definately not just brooding for the sake of it. I hate the way I am. I want to get rid of depression for good. It's not useful for me or anyone.

previous entry - following entry

gewerq.diaryland.com - an online diary. All original content © gewerq 2003-2005. All rights reserved.