2004-09-13 - 9:26 p.m.

back to the future

If my diary is here and useful as a reference for me to look back on and see how or if I can refine myself and thus the world, then I may do well to test this theory.

Or not. On a more superficial level, I have discovered the wonders of NoteTab and this, and the useful WebMonkey are combining to make my diary incrementally less boring. So I've spent most of the afternoon tinkering with the colours, fonts and tables like the amateur HTML coder that I am. I would appreciate feedback.

OK then. I did go to church as was marginally more sociable than average. Have arranged a weekly jog aroud the oval with a friend. Estimated to last a month, max. Will see.

I lost my cool again tonight and shouted at my mum... it's disappointing, I am disappointed in myself. Will note that for future reference. Harrassed my brother all day. Swore a lot at/with him. I have been deluding myself thinking that living like this is good. I've been thinking of asking for my job back, but have been afraid, not that they might say no, but that they might say yes and I not be able to keep the job. I may ask to be a casual, two days a week. I would like to think of myself as more mature than the person that ranted on in my diary about how much my old supervisors sucked. But fact is, it's not them, it's me. I don't fit in. I mean, I was excellent at the job, but I balk at creative use of my not ready times etc. and then get selfrighteous when others do. But the fact is, they aren't conscious of these things like I am. This is easy to say now, but I fear playing the blame game. No use worrying about that now.

So time for some goalsetting. Ideally I will:

• Stop or greatly limit my swearing
• Have more patience with my mum, and stop shouting at her
• Get a mutually edifying job
• Somehow, lose weight

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