2004-09-11 - 2:40 p.m.

universal audit

This is the first entry resulting from any significant effort of mine in some time. I've been spending a lot of the last week reading through my diary and the overwhelming sense I get is one of pride, or perhaps more accurately, contentedness with a little of a sense of acheivement in there as well. Not pride in what a girl I have been, or how many stupid mistakes I've made, but seeing that I have made progress.

I am particulary satisfied to read how I felt about some people in the past and know that now I have mastered those feelings... and glad to see that someone has broken up with Perfection Himself en catastrophe, not in a sadistic way, but in the sense that I realise now that we weren't to be. I say, realise, not only in the sense that it makes logical sense to me that any relationship of hours would not be expedient, but also in that I don't have a destructive emotional attachment to it anymore. This point doesn't deserve any more of my attention, it's now one of those details of history...

I am happy to say that my mental health has improved, not completely (I still am not ready for a full time job), but enough to make me feel a little humble to know that I once refused to believe things could be better. Not that I have now decided that I was wrong in wanting some things, but that I was wrong to consider not having them a reason to despair. I treasure life more now, and can see that most of the times I have threatened harming myself is because I have subconsciously wanted attention.

That is pretty obvious. I sound so pompous for saying it like this knowing that it's probably not the end of me behaving that way when I'm under stress.

2004-09-10 - 10:28 p.m.

Sleeping habits

Appointment with (etc)

Have good sleeping habits

Go to bed at a certain time
• Negotiate time to stop noise with people
• Go to bed by 11 pm
• Have a routine before going to bed so my body knows I am about to sleep
• Have a non-caffeine drink and/or listen to a soothing CD
• Start this going to bed routine by 10:30
• Reprogram my behaviour
• Keep speaking to Jamie and Mum
• Keep saying it
• Calm myself down

In the morning:
• When alarm goes off:
• Have a caffeine drink
• Have a shower

Write down the results:
• The time out of my room in the morning
• The last time I get into bed in the evening

So that:
• I can see that I have achieved something
• Mastering my behaviour
• Have a sense of achievement

Date 10-9 11-9 12-9 13-9 14-9 15-9 16-9 out of room - In bed (last)

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