2003-04-28 - 7:18 p.m.

being stood up. It's not any fun

I got stood up by Gh.Me tonight. I spose I should have called her earlier to confirm. She didn't apologise although arranged to meet later tonight. I so hope she comes. I will go ape if she stands me up again. She really doesn't seem like that type. I know that sounds stupid to the casual reader of this diary, but it's true. I just have to swallow it. No point asking why girls do this. It's cruel. But I can keep my head up high. I am proud to be a person who wants to make someone happy and I can look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself.

Still regardless, I would still love to show up tonight and actually see her there. Why do girls do this? I mean, looks, brains, class, honesty, prospects, the ability to cook, all these intangible concepts that supposedly would attract a girl to you, I have all of these in at least a moderate measure, and yet, there must be a mark put on me of some sort, that makes girls not want to stay with me.

I have found a clue to solving this mystery in the diaries of Gh.B and her close friend on this site: they both have a strange aversion to becoming one half of a close relationship with a "boy", and there is a terrible fear associated with it.

I don't know how to approach this... blame society? Just keep going thinking that my luck must surely soon change?

I will at least have some clue in about 2 hours from now. Watch this space.

2003-04-28 - 7:11 p.m.

Am I kind or cruel?

OK, these are two emails that I sent to Gh.Kr and Gh.Cl around the times of the break downs in our respective understandings. I am confused as to whether I did the wrong thing or not and whether I deserve the subsequent pain. Feedback would be welcome.

Email to Gh.Kr:

Hi Gh.Kr,

I'm writing to ask what's going on because it seems very strange. I have been trying to contact you recently and I haven't been able to, until this afternoon when you were at work and you said you would ring back in an hour, but I never heard from you. Then when I tried to ring you, assuming it was you, you just kept hanging up on me. If you don't want to speak to me anymore, I can respect that, but I don't appreciate being lied to, if that is the case. I don't know what you think of me, or whether this is a great misunderstanding, but I know that I like you very much and I can't work out what I could have done to deserve this. Even if you really hate me and never want to hear from me again, could you please just let me know? And I won't bother you ever again. It is not knowing that is causing the stress. I understand that you have a busy life, that is why I have tried to contact you at different times.

I don't know why you are doing this if it is indeed you but this is a very cruel thing to do if you are indeed doing it. I was totally honest and open with you. I am quite hurt and I just wish you would contact me to tell me the truth.

Regards,

(myself)

>From: "Gh.Kr (etc)"

>To: (etc)

>Subject: RSVP kiss thing

>Date: 10 Apr 2003 12:57:02 +0100

>

>Hi,

>

>I'm Gh.Kr (aka (etc)) from RSVP, you sent me a kiss...thanks for

>your interest. Anyway sending you an email to say that I got it, am

>interested but can't write you a lengthy email tonight so I will do

>sometime by the end of this week. If you're on messenger my address is

>(etc)@hotmail.com or if you're on ICQ- (etc). Seeya

>

>Gh.Kr

Email to Gh.Cl:

Hi Gh.Cl,

It was nice to go out with you today. It's a shame that it was not good weather. I'm sorry I was tired. Thank you for being understanding and tolerant with me. I think you already know this, that I wasn't really attracted to you. And I don't mean to hurt you because I know that we were flirting and you would have expected me to want you. I know anything I say can't really make you feel better about this having been told this in the past. Actually it was partly for this reason that I broke up with my last girlfriend, that I was not attractive to her because I was overweight and it took her a long time to be able to say it to my face that she didn't want me, and if someone had have come to me then to comfort me, I would have said to them, piss off, you don't know what it's like. And I know that the last person hurt you by not contacting you back after going out with you, and hurt you. I don't want to be like that , I will still talk to you on messenger and the phone and that if you want. I don't want to be your boyfriend though. You are a great person in a lot of ways, don't let what I am saying now detract from all the things about you that I like. I guess the more I ramble on the less sincere I sound. I guess if I am shallow I will suffer the consequences in the long run. Please feel free to talk to me more if you want, remember I'm not saying you are a bad person at all, cos you're not.

Your friend,

(myself)

2003-04-28 - 12:54 p.m.

meisies

OK, so here is the place where I tell about the girls I have met on the net to get it all off my chest and set my mind straight.

The girls are: Gh.L, Gh.B, Gh.Be, Gh.Kr, Gh.Je, Gh.Me, Gh.Ka, Gh.Cl, Gh.N.

Gh.L and Gh.B I have talked about at length in this diary and I have decided to let them both go, and I am comfortable with this.

Gh.Be I have also talked about briefly. She was nice, friendly, a beautiful smile, although said she was bi and smoked pot and that I am too rigid and conformist for her. So I have no feelings for her.

Gh.Kr... although I didn't meet her, I feel I should add her in here. When we spoke on the phone we got along very well and agreed about most things and she seemed to like me a lot, like with Gh.L. Then when I try to ring back she hangs up on me, makes excuses etc... doesn't reply to emails... Do girls really think this is appropriate? It seems this is acceptable these days. I was quite hurt. And I don't know why. I don't know what I did wrong, if anything. Why are people like this?

Gh.Me, out of the ones I haven't already talked about in detail in the diary, is the one I seem to like the most. She is feisty but gentle, cuddly but assertive, thoughtful but passionate... I feel content with her. The downside is she seems to have a very large circle of friends and non stop social life and it's hard for me to imagine that she considers me special. We met once, got on well, then arranged to meet again but she cancelled saying she "had" to go to a party. But she still says she would like to see me again, which is good :)

Gh.Ka is a footy fan, so I went to the footy with her. Learning in the process that she was 16 and not 18 as I was led to believe. She is a very mysterious person and hard to figure out. Maybe it was just Because she was young and unsure of whether she wanted to be out with a 23 year old. She was beautiful, tall, but thought she was ugly and fat, and very submissive and happy to let me suggest where we should go, what we should have to eat, etc. It was very hard to understand what she was thinking, whether she liked being with me. Since then it seems she is not that eager to see me again. I am a bit worried for her. She is very young and showed 100% trust in me, a person from the net who could be anyone. So I am going to leave it and insist that her parents or at least some responsible friends look out for her if she wants to see me again, even still the age difference is a problem.

Gh.Cl, I have a lot a guilt over her. Mainly Because when we spoke on the net we had a lot in common, uni, sence of humour, etc, then I met her and found she was considerably overweight, I was as nice as I could be, all of a sudden though I wasn't feeling like putting my arm around her though. I think she knew. I mean on the one hand, what did she expect? but on the other hand, I was also responsible for getting her hopes up. I sent her an email explaining how I felt and emphasising all the good things about her. Since then she has not come online, I assume she has me blocked.

Gh.N I haven't actually met in real life, she shouldn't really be in this category, the story with her is that she approached me saying that she was 19 and that all was cool, then she got her mum to check up on me to make sure I wasn't a filthy person or something and I learnt that she is 16. She seems to like me alot. But I am not eager to go out with a person so young. Her parents understand this. So I'm happy to let this one go.

There you have it. Now please tell me that I am not a complete bastard and that I do actually believe in love...

2003-04-28 - 12:04 a.m.

you often feel better after a good confessional (or so I've heard...)

Wow, I have so many things to say. I don't know how to articulate them in order or so that they make sense. I'll just have to do a brainstorm of the things that are buzzing around my mind at the moment:

1. I had another long and emotionally challenging conversation about Gh.B and in summary I feel like I have some sort of closure with her, that is, I understand my feelings for her are not reciprocated and that I should not actively pursue her anymore. Notwithstanding, we will still be friends and if that were to chancge in would be on her initiative.

2. I feel some guilt, or I don't know what the feelings are recently, for the fact that I have seen a few girls that I met off the net with varying degrees of interest in them but none really that are at a serious stage. I will try to elaborate on this, basically it's just the fact that I haven't told anyone that worries me.

3. I went to church tonight, and for the first time in 2 or 3 months, I really enjoyed it, I felt cleansed after talking with Gh.B, and was able to feel happy in some sort of spiritual sense even though I was sad that I had my dream of being with her broken. I was civil and congenial with people after church and felt a bit welcome even.

4. I'm still behind with uni work and it worries me, but , meh.

5. In reference to point number 2, I feel conscientious about how I treated a number of these girls and wonder whether not informing them of each other's existence was an appropriate etiquette to use for this situation. Although all logic would seem to indicate I haven't done anything wrong, I feel somewhat uneasy, perhaps it just is the fact that I have not been liked by girls before, or I have been very reclusive in my attitude towards them up until now.

Well there is a summary. More detail will follow when I get around to it. In the mean time I just want to say that today I am happy to be me, perhaps more so than ever since I started this diary, and I am eager, if not necessarily very confident or positive, to take on whatever life throws at me next...

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