2004-01-18 - 7:06 p.m.

low-functioning entry

I've stayed at home all day and feel like going out. But I don't want to go out alone. My brother is at band practise. My ex is my ex. My mum is my mum. I doubt whether my internet "friends" actually exist in the physical world. My flatmate that is twice my age doesn't want to go out. I haven't told you about that yet hey. I am not optimistic about surviving this week at work.

2004-01-09 - 1:58 a.m.

under the influence of valium

I cant cope with life or work or anything. woke up 4 am tuesday , was so angry at everything , rang the 1800 crisis number, they said come in, got there at 5:30 am, they said there would be a doctor by 7:30 am, then I was smashing things so they drugged me then by 2pm they said go home there is no doctor. And I have had the last three days off work. and i am due in in 5 hours time with a smile.

2004-01-02 - 9:30 p.m.

The perfect man

It's a new year. Now I must make some new year resolutions. I can't think of any. Starting with the obvious. I would like to keep this job. I would like to lose a few inches from around the waste. I would like to make some new friends and have real friends that I can talk to. I would like to be able to interact socially better this year. I am not sure whether I would like a girlfriend, but ideally I would like to have someone close that I can open up to, but since I find it difficult to trust someone to that degree I had perhaps better work on being happy with myself.

And while I am not dissatisfied with my progress in this regard, it still seems like a mammoth mountain to climb. I often feel helpless to make progress on this. I have for the last few weeks been very happy at work, coping well and not running into any sort of conflict (thanks in no small part to the absence of two certain individuals). And then today, I misunderstood something that I was told and so I repeated what I had said previously. This was interpreted as a deliberate show of disrespect and I was seen as being rude. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't speak in a negative tone, I simply misheard a mumble. It all seems like one step forward and two steps back. Or perhaps this is an exaggeration. In any case it was a blow on a Friday afternoon to my countenance. Now, I mustn't "let it get to me" and "just get over it". Rightio then.

A similar despair is felt when looking for a girlfriend. I have leart quickly that it is a complete waste of time being honest with girls. Honest, that is, according to my interpretation of explaining my problems to them straight up. By being honest, I am seen to be an internet nerd, a "weirdo", romantically inexperienced, and a "desperado".

Apparently though, it is not dishonest for a female to tell you that they are "not on the market" after earlier telling you that they were seeking a relationship, and enquiring into your suitability as a prospective boyfriend, even going so far as to interrogate me on my past sexual experiences in some detail. Pass.

Therefore, on the expert advice of my brother who is the long-standing boyfriend of a young professional lady that seems to be available for him whenever and however he wants, despite working a full-time job 100km away from his place, I have decided to undertake surgery on my definition of "honest". I will present myself on the internet as all of the good points of myself, without any of the less desirable attributes.

Now then, I like to play Dancing Stage Megamix, so "I work out twice a week". I shower and shave, and use deoderant, so "I have impeccable hygeine". I have a job, so I am "financially independant", read: I have money to spend on you. I live in an "appartment" (appartments are more trendy than flats, apparently). I briefly attended university, I did well in the HSC, so "I am educated and intelligent". I am able to use a vacuum cleaner and take the rubbish out now and then, so "I am a house-trained male" (note: males are more attractive than men). I have a few CDs, and I like to watch the cricket, so "I have varied musical, cultural and sporting interests". I am the ideal metrosexual male, although the use of this word would give me away.

Whether any relationship which may come as a result of this enterprise is a success or not is irrelevant. If I evolve to become more like my metrosexual ideal through a girl I might meet, then so be it, although this would almost certainly involve much effort on her behalf, something which I am not expecting. This new attitude, remember, has only come about because being 100% transparent has only succeeded in scaring girls off.

Anything more than a brief chat with a girl or even a coffee would be a bonus. (Not that I would otherwise drink coffee, but she doesn't know that does she?) Hence, the goal is only to increase the probability of an initial contact. If the girl then decides to pass up on the offer after the obligation-free trial period, I won't have the right to be disappointed, as I didn't inform her of the risks involved in the investment of her time and emotions.

If only females came with such a guarantee.

2003-12-20 - 8:34 a.m.

sometimes, late at night

It's very hot today! The forecast said it would be 34. It must be a bit warmer than that. At least out this way anyway. I don't like the heat at all. It magnifies feelings of anger. It's in fact unusual that I am writing now, because I am in a pretty good mood. Today was a good day. I didn't argue with anyone. I got a free lunch, courtesy of management, in a post modern, middle-class inner-city establishment. Nice.

I hope I will get along with Gh.M well this weekend, if I ever see her. I do care about her, even if she can be difficult. I hope we still will be good friends when she moves out. I just wish she would learn from this time with me. But here I go again, it was all her fault. Perhaps I should put up on this website the confession I made under duress when I was given the warning at work. I don't think I have mentioned that yet. O well. The worst thing that could happen is that I lose my job as well, which hasn't happened yet. So until then I can do my best. And then look for another one. And another girlfriend. And go through the same thing.

Is there any wonder I think of terminating my life sometimes? Not that I am right now. I am just expressing my frustration at people that think that it is a sign of weakness. Now I will concentrate on enjoying my life while I can. Try not to care, if that be possible.

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