2003-05-19 - 7:29 p.m.

a very happy few days

Tonight it is Monday the 19th. I don't know when the last time I wrote here was, but there is so much to write.

I am on an emotional rollercoaster after this weekend. I believe I have found my soulmate. Gh.M loves me genuinely, I don't believe I am being manipulated this time. I am quite certain. I spent the weekend with her, I was so happy, it was so perfect. Well almost perfect, but I am just so thankful for this weekend.

I met her at the station, and she was feeling depressed and tired and when we got home I comforted her and cared for her and she went to sleep, I was so happy just to be able to be there for her. We talked for hours and I know in her eyes that she does love me, and dozed off together, and woke up together in the morning, and talked for hours more. She played a CD of hers with a song on it called If Tomorrow Never Comes which she knew off by heart and sang along to it. It talks about this guy who loves his wife so much and wonders if she will be able to face the world if he wasnt there for her anymore. On the outside I was just smiling normally but on the inside I was crying and bursting into tears of hapiness because it expressed so much trust and love and selflessness and I was identifying with it because that was how I felt for her which is so uncharacteristic of me who am usually dwelling in my own problems too much to care that much for someone else. I was just the happiest person at that time.

We went bowling with her friend and brothers, and I managed not to be too much of a sore loser. They are very nice people.

We then went back to her place and had dinner with the couple she lives with and played with their 2 year old son. We watched some of this movie on TV together called Bedazzled which made me all emotional again when the guy in it was made to feel all emotionally sensitive as a wish that he asked for, and it was supposed to be funny, because he and this girl are there, confessing their love to each other in really soppy-sweet terms, and then they get interrupted... and it makes me think that that is how many people may see me. But I don't care, because I care for Gh.M so much.

When we were alone later that night the topic of conversation was the various problems we are currently facing in our respective lives, and how we should each trust God more as individuals and together, after KM I am trying not to push it too much, but Gh.M, it's like she's on the same frequency as me and knows what I mean. We were talking about whether we should move in together. My heart so wants to be with her all the time, but I worry about uni and money, and the speed with which our relationship has gone so far. Common sense would say that it is stupid to consider that so soon. Another negative is the temptation we may confront and although I totally have confidence that our motives are pure and we have a very good communication of all what is gedogen between us as genuine Christians, there is still that chance that we may slip up. But it seems that it is a very small risk for great hapiness. I will keep praying about it.

Today I was at the Motorcycle training course, which was excellent, but my mind was not there, it was pondering this question. I wish God would magically send me an answer by email or something. I guess for this he has given me my own judgement.

2003-05-15 - 5:14 p.m.

I need more RAM

There are a few things in this world that I can't understand. One is the way it seems other people are fundamentally different from me in the way they interpret what they say.

For example, if I say "I will do [action] on [date/time]", it means that I will do what I say I will do when I say it. It will happen, because I said so. For the layperson though, this actually means, "At the moment I am comfortable with the thought of doing this action at around that time, give or take a few days, pending other engagements/sudden impulses/unforseen events... if I feel like it at the time."

And yet, for reasons I cannot fathom, it is this attitude which is the accepted social norm as opposed to the former. If you expect a person, no matter how gentlemanly or upstanding they may appear to be, to keep their word, and they don't, then any subsequent feelings of inadequacy/unworthiness/not being wanted, etc, are wholly and unequivocably your fault, and no under no circumstances can any apportioning of wrongdoing, no matter how implicit or subtle, be made towards that individual that did not do what they said they would.

Of course it is recent events that has brought about this feeling. Although this is nothing new. It is also a recurring pattern in my life. This world teaches people to lie, as a means of survival. No matter what religion or philosophy you may hold to, lying (although this word is rarely used to describe the phenomenon by its proponents) is a totally acceptable and morally perfect means of obtaining what you want while postponing any pain and suffering in the subject until such a time as the latter is physically removed from you by a significant distance, so as to minimise any potential reflection of this pain and sufferring back onto you.

Notwithstanding these proper facts, it remains an inescapable fact that I am in the extreme minority on this, and the only way that I may fit in is to change to become like the majority.

Now, in order to be a good liar, as opposed to being a thinker, you need a good memory. And I don't mean the type of memory that you can store facts and figures away in. I mean a memory which can recall recent event quickly, yet not accurately, that can portray them in a light more suited to acheiving what you want.

In computer terms, you don't need a brilliant processor, just a lot of RAM. Indeed, having an impotent or malfunctioning processor can even be an advantage in situations where you wish to convince yourself that you didn't say what you actually said. In cases where programs must be closed in order to save precious processing power, the Conscience is very often the first program to go in liars.

In my case, I am cursed with the worst possible combination of a top-end processor but not sufficient RAM to take advantage of it.

I need an upgrade.

2003-05-15 - 4:10 p.m.

my future

I have so many things on my mind. It is hard to sort them out and put them down. I will just type them as they come to mind.

I got a call from the Katoomba Health Service, had a depressing conversation with Alice, the worker there, and made an appointment. It seems I am happy to be a person that is sad sometimes. But I'm actually not. I can recognise that there are things in my thinking, patterns that are not very condusive to healthy living.

I love Gh.M. Everything about her. I fear I may not be good enough. I fear losing her terribly. She is special. I wonder that with me going so poorly at uni, whether I will able to be a person that is worthy to be with in the long run.

I think about it a lot, and there isn't really anything inparticular that I want to do with my life. My motivation for pursuing uni studies is basically that I fear being stuck in a place that I don't like without being able to get a better job when I'm older. It's a dreadful feeling. That I will have become a person that is middle aged and diong something for my life that I don't like doing, and being a burden to my family, or at least being looked down on if I have a wife that is more educated than me but yet I am incapable of earning so much as she would be.

This is funny me thinking like that, because when Gh.M worries about things in the future, I say to her, just trust God, and make light humour of her disposition to worrying as a female characteristic.

What am I trying to say here? This is coming from the fact that I fear she may leave me. Although as it stands I have no reason to think this may happen in the near future.

Maybe it is because I heven't been going to uni lately. I really hate it. I mean, this is strange, because I like the subjects, I am interested in the course, and academia in general, I just hate the atmosphere of the place. I really shouldn't let this rob me of a degree and a bright(er?) future. Just being in that place makes me feel so weak, lonely, useless, helpless... It's like a dreamworld being there, so many other intelligent beings all around you, yet none of them acknowledge the existence of each other except when they want something from you (which in my case, is never), and if they are not looking where they are going and clatter into me, it's my fault apparently.

I have no idea what to do with my life.

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