2003-07-07 - 8:34 p.m.

red wine

Diary7703

My head is very messed up. There are a lot of things inside it that stop me from being able to function normally. Inparticular, when my bosses say something to me, I don't understand anything that they say. Tonight I must take a valium and disappear. A 9 hour shift tomorrow. It's a long story.

A problem with me is that when things get frustrating I can't understand what people are saying. It can get me into trouble. My boss at the moment seems to understand, sort of. My head is not working properly. So many things stressing me. I need to press reset. End some tasks. Take a valium. But I have to get up and do it again tomorrow. I dread the thought of getting off this train, having to walk home and then listen to my mum b and whinge and moan about me when I get home. Yes mum, I went to the ATM and got your money.

Which is why valium is such a marvellous invention, just take one as required, until you no longer hear that annoying voice anymore. Then wake up at 4 a.m. feeling blissfully stoned hearing nothing but your own heartbeat and the metallic sound of the blood periodically whizzing through your inner ear. Then, a few cups of office-grade coffee in the morning and you are able to do it all again. Excellent. Now, who said the independant life is difficult?

It's funny when I make fun of my own poor state of mental health, that it can beguile me into thinking everything will be ok. Much like the way normal people come to work with a hangover, and complain about it to you, but not in an "O God help me get through this day" kind of way, but in a "Look at me, I got smashed last night and am proud of the fact that I have deliberately jeapordised my employment prospects" kind of way. And I am not sure which is the worse. But judging by the fact that my employer gave me a gift of a nice bottle of red wine to congratulate me on joining their organisation despite, or more likely in spite of, the fact that I don't drink, suggests to me that an alcohol abusing employee is more welcome there than one who suffers from depressive illness. I don't think we will be able to understand each other, at least not in the near future.

Got to get off and start walking home now.

2003-07-03 - 7:19 p.m.

why firstborns are born to rule

I just felt that writing some things down would help to alleviate this feeling in my head which is not painful enough to be called a headache but which persists in tensing the muscles in my head sufficiently that it attracts my attention all the time. Come to think of it I do think it warrants a few panadols...

My new job is going very well. I was offered permenancy, and I am very happy with myself, considering the state I have been in for some time and the unbelief of certain people who are not worthy to be mentioned made me feel that I would never again be able to fend for myself in this world. And athough in one sense that is still not realised, because my mum still does my washing and ironing, for example, I am at least far beyond where I thought I would be at this point. In the back of my mind I still fear that I will do something stupid or there will come on me a terrible tragedy such that I will not survive in this job beyond the end of the probationary period, but I know what I must do is trust and do the best I can in this job.

There is an aching in my shoulder blades and collar-bone muscles from sitting down all day. I stretch periodically but it doesn't seem to help. Must get a massage from Gh.M.

Speaking of whom, is in trouble. Since she is out of money and relies on other people and doesn't seem to believe that people won't always be there for her to fall back on, or use, as my mother says. Which she would undoubtedly consider a bit harsh, although I have tried to break it to her softly, but she is as stubborn and not at all so subtle as me, and doesn't want to know about it. Which would be fine by me, if I didn't have my mother on my back persistently telling me to move out and get rid of this creature that I dragged in because it is invading her precious space. But the fact is I am involved and have a responsibility to resolve the situation as I did convince her to let Gh.M come and live with us in ther first place.

Which leads me to the biggest challenge facing me at the moment. On the surface it looks simple. Find a place, pay, move in. Only that is complicated by the fact that if I were to have it my way, I would get a place close to work, in a small room, doesn't matter about size, features, etc. Although this is not acceptable to the female. She wants to live in the same suburb as her uni, which is not the most convenient arrangement for me. She says she doesn't like the "city life".

It also seems that she is not very keen on paying for things equally. Although she says she will, she is not willing to get the money from her mum that is rightfully hers and without which she is not able to pay for her share of the bond let alone her share of the things we will need eg. furniture, washing machine etc. Apparently she tried and her mother wouldn't let her. Either way, it is not possible at the moment to move in to a new place without me paying for most of the cost. It is very frustrating for me. I know I am not perfect. I just don't like being used. I am not concerned that Gh.M woudn't love me if I had less resources to tap in to because she loved me before all this was a problem (another story).

It's wierd because, she is the one with everything to lose. I have a nice job and pretty much am able to go live where I want. She is the one in trouble yet refuses to face the fact that she can't lean on the generosity of people that feel sorry for her forever. She just thinks that she will always be able to rely on her parents, or her friends, or someone else when she is in trouble. She never believes she will be alone against the world. And she certainly doesn't seem to appreciate the magnitude of the things that people have done for her over these last two months that I have known her, let alone her life.

This is very likely due to her having a similar parentage to me, namely in the sense that we were given only criticism and put-downs and insults from our parents who preferred our younger siblings to us, making us overlook the many tangible instances where they have assisted us in the past.

But I have learned and overcome. She certainly is smart and courageous enough to do likewise.

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