2004-05-23 - 3:17 p.m.

maybe I was never on the list

My head is not feeling any physical pain at the moment. When you know someone very well and something happens you want to help. Hey perhaps that's what I have been doing. No not entirely. Because I would never do something for the sake of hurting someone. Maybe if I was not able to see things well. I know I am doing the right thing. I will just put it down to evil in the world and know it will not appear deceitful in heaven.

2004-06-12 - 3:57 a.m.

reslts not typical

My gut is squirming. I can't see a future for me. I want the pain to end.

2004-06-14 - 1:16 a.m.

some good things

I am writing in the diary as instructed by my doctor. Some good things that happened today is, I said sorry to my mum and Bing. I watched rugby on tv.

2004-06-12 - 3:12 p.m.

I never did go to ice hockey school

That's OK. This morning I woke up with diorrhea and dizziness and nausea and feling really hot evn though it was about 10 degrees and anyway I have been on and off the throne the last 8 hours or so. But overall I feel better than last night. I gont Fl.B (my new flatmate who is leaving in about 3 weeks) to ring my mum cos I thought I would pass out and to cut a long story short my mum was cordial and suggested I might be exaggerating, offered to come down then changed her mind. O well. Maybe she cares but she just doesn't want the trouble. Maybe I should take care of myself. Well. I wish I had something nice to say. I might go to learn to play ice hockey school on Sunday , it only socts $10. If I can get out of bed. Well I'll talk to you later.

2004-06-12 - 2:10 a.m.

An email to Fh.D while watching the late show

Hi Fh.D. Sorry I haven't emailed you the last couple of emails.I wish I had something nice to say. I am deteriorating. I feel really bad cos I don’t know what to say and you have a lot of troubles and I try to pray for them and I can't and I can only mouth the words of this email and add "amen" on to the end. And pretend that I have prayed. And all I can think about are my own sad situation. I'm sorry I know you said something in the last email about wanting to hear back from people and all I can do is moan. I try to pray but I don’t have the strength. I have cut myself of ffomr all people virtually and everyone is evil, I don't know am I senseless? I want to encourage you and say something nicc.e I am in agony always I wish I was dead. My parents and my bother all don't care and like to increase the pain at any opportunity. I wish I die right now. I am on the disability pension now.My head and neck hurt. I don't have contact with any other person everyone is so selfish truly py parents wouldn't care if I was dead. I don’t have anyone to talk to.well. Enough about me. I will now sedate myself and get into bed. Which Is llike a straightjacket cos I don't actually lose consciousness only prevents me from chomknig myself with my neck muscles and moving and stops me from ripping the sheets and screaming . The poor neighbours. Sarcasm*.. In other news I have been rapidly spending my inheritance on food that contains a maximum of fat and sugar on whatever takes my whim on ebay and on a motorbike and insurance the motorbike has gathered dust and tax credits for depreciation. Not that I can use them . Actually maybe I can Im not sure. Sorry I don’t have good news, Please pray that I die on earth very soon ther is too much pain. Sorry I don't have good news. I hope you do well in study. And that Timo has a good life and then goes to heaven. And Pablo too. And you, although you are already going to heaven. I am going to bed now, you can call me whenever you want. Don’t think I will be offended if you don't thouingh. Can you belie ve that last word is a real word, according to spell check.? I would call you but I don't know if you're busy. Plus I would only moan. I am going to bed now. Bye

2004-07-12 - 2:23 p.m.

if I were a help

A summary of the last month or so which has been characterised by my feeling more anger towards other people. Whereas before I would turn all the pain in on myself, now I no longer feel ashamed to wish bad on others. This has its ups and downs. The advantage is whatever is wrong with me comes to the surface more often so in the long term it should make it easier to diagnose and fix me. The disadvantage is I and others are more likely to get hrt in the process.

And then this morning I was advised that when I feel like I want to kill someone, I should pray for them instead, and wish them all hapiness, achievements and fulfilment in life. This was found to be an excellent way to get rid of mch of the pain and resentment. Unfortunately once discovered, I would use this method in future to calm myself down. It only seems to work though when I'm genuinely concerned for the subject's well being.

So I prayed for a number of people. Not important who they were. Only that I was and hopeflly still am genuinely concerned for them despite the fact they will probably never know this. There are a lot of reasons why I might not want them to know. Firstly I am worried it might change my mind about wishing them well. Also I might be offended if they don't accept my wishes. But mostly I am worried about my own motives that if I let them know it will only be because I want attention or praise from them. It is best for many reasons.

I have been taken off Talohexal and Lithim and onto Mirtazon. I have described the main difference that it has made. I haven't noticed many side effects. I never have noticed any with any medications I have been on. There is supposedly a terrible brain-shake and other ailments that come (sj) with not taking the medications on a reglar basis which don't affect me in the slightest. One theory is that there is no effect of this class of drug and both the benefits and the side effects are a placebo effect. This is a cynical theory and not supported by modern medicine. In my case it may have merit.

I can see that the longer I live this life of no primary activity that it will be harder for me to get back into work or study when I will must. It is sad. I think of myself more often that not in positive ways: intelligent, unique, gifted, and I also see that there is not more than perhaps two people that I can get along with. All of my family can not handle my presence in a social situation. Suppose I did want the people around me to be as comfortable as possible. And yet apparently life has enough problems for the people with no diagnosed disorders.

Suppose the only point to my life were to make one person's life better in some way knowing that they didn't appreciate or want my efforts. Thinking this way is to ignore that I have felt like killing someone in the last week and have said some hurtful things to some people. If I have not written in this diary for some time, it's not that I have been lazy or forgetful, it is that it would be inexpedient for me and for whoever reads it, to see a life wasting away.

One person believes that there is a simple way to change my life for the better. This way involves doing something that I have done many times before and also involves considerable expense. If I do not do it, that person deduces that my situation is my own creation and that I deserve it.

It is common, if not normal, for someone that is happy with their life to believe that their good fortune is a result of their moral goodness.

While the above is accurate, I have been avoiding mentioning something since beginning this entry. I have been avoiding mentioning it because if I do so I would then have to question the good motives behind saying the rest of the above. Another reason that I have not mentioned it is because I am not certain that it even exists.

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