2003-12-18 - 8:32 p.m.

You must enter into a 24-month contract

It is common that I would think like this, that is, when someone implies that they will do one thing and then does the other, that this person is then morally in the wrong. This concept is enshrined in law. And it is difficult for me to come to terms with the fact not only that it is not also adopted as a principle by many others with whom I must spend a lot of my life, but also that these people are more adept at convincing others that they do. You must pass a credit check to get a mobile phone on a plan. This involves being able to show that you are usually capable of paying a bill, not that you intend to.

Companies recognise that it is a person's capacity to spend, not their willingness, that makes them an attractive target for marketing. Normal people have good intentions, but whether they follow up on those is dependant on the environment they are in at the time and not those principles they may claim to have, no matter how strongly they profess adherance to them.

I am talking of course of a particular ex-girlfriend and a feeling of betrayal and unsuitability. That I not say, inadequacy, for the negative connotations of the word. Since I don't believe that my predicament is as a result of a moral flaw on my part. Mr Atwood would strongly agree. Hence there has arisen a broader and potentially more dangerous implication of a similar moral flaw afflicting the whole of the female species, which is particularly disturbing since I seem to be subject to the same reproductive urges as they. Only for some instance of fate, or should I say providence although I would not like to believe that there is One responsible, I am not driven to disregard these moral values in order to reproduce.

And, no, I am not permitted to speak as though I am morally better that Gh.M, or that femalekind embodies all these negative traits. I must learn to consider others as my brothers ans sisters. Something that I have struggled to do.

I feel very guilty that I had made her cry last night. I made her feel as though the videogames were more important than her. Even though if I had have paid attention to her, she would have wanted me to mind my own business. And then I asked her for the money that she owed me. Uh oh. Another, what, 30 minutes of tears, and no chance of going near her to comfort her. So, I don't know what it is that makes me make her cry. I do love her, this is true, although judging from the times in this diary that I have said that I love other girls, you may wonder.

Perhaps this is also a symptom, that I fall in love very easily. This is perhaps related to a sense of superiority, because when I receive a lot of attention from a girl, and she tells me her problems and feelings, I feel as though the reason I am there is to solve her problems and make her happy. Isn't this common? I don't have any male friends in my age to confirm this theory with, but I assume that it is common. What, then, am I supposed to do? If I care for her, I am clingy, and if I do nothing, I am heartless.

Incidentally (surprise) I have met some girls on the internet recently and although nothing has come of it, I can recognise the pattern has gone full circle again. Despite making my profile as honest and bare as possible, girls still like me. I must conclude then that they, too, want to make another happy. Just only when it suits them. I am now undertaking with the reader to be accountable to you, and to not rush into anything this time. Would I do that?

2003-12-10 - 6:33 p.m.

the fillies of human racehorses show very poor form

It was a day that I should have felt more chagrin over. Today I got an official reprimand for I'm still not sure what, something that always signals disaster, despite the cool reassurances of the issuers. Rather than suicidal, I am more indifferent than anything. For I know that I have only done the right thing. I may have made a mistake in the way that I expressed my feelings, although certainly not sufficient to warrant the reaction received. Alas, all of this intelectualising doesn't help me. I can only concentrate on areas I can improve and dismiss any thoughts that I am being unfairly treated which continually attack my conscience.

Facing the prospect of losing my job, after already lost the best girlfriend I have ever had should send me spiralling. But it's as if I have already done my despairing in advance, perhaps that is what has brougt my misfortune on. I still don't think that there is merit to this theory, but it is worth bringing up.

My mum and brother think that I am a good stand-up comedian. Although it was not my intention to make them laugh, talking about my feelings and opinions on various matters to sensitive to be written here (even though I'm sure this website is hosted in the land of the First Amendment, you never know that may change soon). I would have much preferred them to agree with everything I said. I wouldn't make a good stand-up cmoedian for two reasons: 1. Anything controversial that a stand-up comedian says must be said in a sarcastic or satirical way or else it can be construed to constitute vilification, a threat to security, or whatever, and, 2. I don't like people laughing at me, I want them to laugh with me.

It was suggested to me that I write a page here a day and publish it as a book, and make lots of money out of it. I will write here more often now that I don't have a sympathetic ear to talk to anymore.

What else is new? I went to church on Sunday. A different church, near my place. Typical ACC fare, nice music, a woefully eiegesical offering spiel, and a sugar-coated, "applied" sermon containing a whole one and a half verses of scripture. Not that I went there in search of intellectual stimulii, I went because I wanted to make new friends, which is what people that have my best interests at heart keep advising me to do. So I mingled, met a few people around my age, shook quite a few hands, and then hung around in case someone asked me what I was doing later in the day. Stoopid. So much for trying not to be cynical and seeing the best in people. Then I walked slowly home grateful for having learnt not to pour the ice cream in before the pastry has cooled down.

2003-10-23 - 9:21 p.m.

let's get down to business

I am bored and on hold for ages to ozemail because they have debited my credit card in error. So I will give them my opinion of their service and the amount of time I am on hold when (if?) some one answers this phone.

I have noticed that recently I have not been writing in this diary as often now. There are obvious reasons for this - I have better things to do with my time than wander around the internet and be depressed. I have a good job and girlfriend, and have a lot of good reasons to occupy myself with materialistic and otherwise middle-class ambitions that distort any remaining sense of loyalty to my Westie-origins.

Speaking of which it seems WFT might have just broken the neck-line. Must get in quick.

I was never really a westie anyway.

2003-10-16 - 2:35 p.m.

I have a new label

My new label is Asperger syndrome. I feel terrible. Not well enough to work. No more sick leave left. But I am happy to have a job. I hope I will be able to keep it. Someone has downloaded some proxy program onto my computer that i don't like the look of. So I uninstalled it. Probably the same person that made the keyboard all sticky and greasy and that left the modem switched on. Here comes an argument.

I was looking at getting a Nokia N Gage in the shops today. It looks excellent. I know I shouldn't be spending this much money on a toy though.

Anyway I should be receiving professional treatment for Aspergers shortly. So this will be the answer to all my problems and I will become a perfect Christian , boyfriend, worker and all round great bloke.

2003-09-20 - 12:07 a.m.

I put my hand in my pocket and there was nothing there

I lost my wallet today but for some reason I feel unusually good. I must have done 130, or 140+ calls and I was scoring in the revenue category as well, and I only had 40 mins lunch. Very weird.

My wallet is probably in my bedroom still, but it is annoying not knowing where it is. O well. Will see when I get home. Until then I must find something else interesting to say. Tickets to the footy are unreasonably expensive. As if Telstra stadium will sell out. And the so-called "premium" tickets are in the corner and two tiers up. Whatever.

I am glad that Gh.M is "real", that is that she can tell me if she thinks I am not there for her to lean on, rather than do something childish to "get back" at me. Recently I have had a lot of doubts as to our future because we have opposite personalities, she is an extrovert and I am introspective. And society wants extroverts. Apparently they have more resillience and can outperform. Doesn't matter if this theory is a load of crap if the perception is that it is true. So I must behave like this in public. Usually this is sufficient as most of my fellow false-extroverts have inferior attention spans. But in the case that I must pretend I am interested in a person that is capable of sussing me out, I am seen as rude or ill. But I am gaining stamina with experience.

previous entry - following entry

gewerq.diaryland.com - an online diary. All original content © gewerq 2003-2005. All rights reserved.