2003-04-30 - 6:23 p.m.

mow the lawn

I gutsted myself last night, just to spite myself for losing so much weight. This morning I mowed the lawn. Hard work, and a sense of achievement. But appreciation from the person that kept insisting I do it? No, rather, criticism, and pointing out the bits I missed. I haven't thought much about girls today. Coming on here makes me think about them. Now I feel so lonely.

2003-04-29 - 3:39 p.m.

how to lose weight fast

I just stepped on the scales and the needle pointed to 80kg. 80kg exactly! What happened? I've lost 5kg in about 16 hours. Being hysterical over a girl must be a real good fat-burner. It involves every muscle in your body. Makes you sweat. Gives you the feeling of lactic acid in your lower arms and thighs.

And unlike regular exercise, where the pain makes you want to stop, when you are hysterical, the pain only increases your desire to cry and sweat more and more. A good hour of this in star City and then another hour's despair on the train, and you can forget about slogging it out in the gym.

And what's more, once you are totally exhausted, and just sitting there limp and zombie-like, when you breathe in, the air is like minty-fresh pure oxygen, gives you a sensation of peace and quiet like nothing else, even in the middle of a train. I'm sure it has something to do with the chemicals in the brain acting as a defence mechanism, or something.

So I could go for getting my heart broken again, until I lose lots more weight, and if it doesn't work, at the very least I could end up with a beautiful, loving girlfriend...

2003-04-29 - 2:43 p.m.

what a sensational win over last years grand finalists...

I don't know what to write. I feel lifeless. I should be at uni. I have to go to soccer tonight. I don't have the energy. I just want someone to love. Someone to hug me. Like Gh.Me did. Only how will I ever trust anyone again? How will I not feel that any show of affection is not just a pretense for a cruel mind game whereof I don't understand the motivations.

I need to go back into no-think mode. Play videogames. Become intensely interested in something irrelavant, trivial and beyond my control, like the fortunes of the Penrith Panthers so I can mingle with likeminded people who also seem to have no point in life but who unlike me seem to prefer it that way.

I am too hurt to think about girls. But I am too lonely not to.

2003-04-29 - 1:06 a.m.

the darkness on the face of the deep became visible tonight

I will record the facts only to start so the eomtion doesn't get in the way:

I met Gh.Me on the net, got along really well, met up with her, got along even better, she said she liked me, I had not reason to doubt it, and wanted to see me again. I liked her a lot as well.

We arranged to meet at Panthers at 5 today. She had earlier told me she worked there, in a restaurant called "Memories", and that she finished work at 5. I went up to the restaurant at about 4:30. There was no one there, it was closed. I assumed she was in there doing dishes or something.

I called her at 5 to say I was waiting downstairs in the sports bar. The phone rang out and I left a message. About 10 minutes later I received an SMS from her saying she was "stuck working in the city at the casino until 9:30" and that we could "meet up around 10:30", "- Love Gh.Me". I called back, the phone rang out again, left another message. Time passed, no answer. So I called her at home:

*ring*ring* Female voice: Hello
Me: Hi Gh.Me.
Female voice: Hang on, I'll just get her for you.
*mumble mumble in the background*
Gh.Me: Hi.
Me: Hi, how are you, fine I'm OK (etc.etc...), are you working in the city today?
Gh.Me: Yeah, I'm just about to leave actually.
Me: Cool, would you like to meet there after you finish?
Gh.Me: Yeah, sure.
Me: Is there anywhere specific in Star City you'd like to meet?
Gh.Me: I have no idea, it's my first shift there.
Me: OK, well I'll call you at 9:30.
Gh.Me: Cool, bye!
Me: Bye Gh.Me.

I caught the train into Star City, waited around... 9:30 came. I rang her, it rings through, I leave a message saying I am on the 2nd floor, outside the Lotus restaurant, waiting for her. 9:40. 9:50. I ring again. Leave a message. 10:00. 10:15. I ring her home number. It is engaged. 10:30. Still engaged.

I feel the sadness sweep over me like I hadn't felt for around a year and I am crying and breaking down. I will skip the graphic description of the pain and anger and all the other emotions lest I impart them to the reader, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I don't know if mankind (or perhaps more accurately, male-kind) knows of a worse feeling that to be stood up by someone you like in such a cruel way. Although the reader may find it hard to believe, there was nothing in the tone of her voice to suggest she was lying, and there was even another person there listening to our conversation, and unless the two had conspired to cause this pain, she would have had to explain to her why she was lying on the phone to someone the latter didn't know.

Why do girls lie? Why are they so cruel? What did I do to her to make her want to do this? Do I deserve it? I don't understand. What makes them want to do this? Why can't they at least tell me to my face that I am not wanted. Why lie? If they don't want to see me again, why can't they just say so?

I had a chat to Gh.Je while I was waiting for Gh.Me from uni. She was ver tolerant and nice to me. I told her of my diary here. She read some of it and to my surprise said I was very lenient on her in my description, whereas I had expected an opposite reaction. I seem to have misjudged her, she seems to be genuinely apologetic about the dinner we had and is very open with me. It's a shame, if she were 5 or so years younger, I'd definately go for her. I've always had a soft spot for Pentecostal-flavoured girls. I don't know why, there is no logical reason for it. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side...

She also (mockingly, I assume) suggested I take aggressive revenge on Gh.Kr for her treatment of me. If only she had known what Gh.Me had planned for me...

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