2004-11-30 - 6:19 p.m.

determination is good, but not enough for some

I determined to get to sleep last night and get up this morning so that I could get to class.

So I took 60 mg Axit and a Valium at about 9:50 pm, according to my word, and went to bed. I couldn’t get to sleep. So at about 10:30 I had another 5 mg Valium. I still couldn’t get to sleep. So at about 11 pm I had another 5 mg Valium. I still couldn’t get to sleep. So at about 11:45 pm I had another 5 mg Valium. I still couldn’t get to sleep. So at about 12:30 am I had another 5 mg Valium.

Valium doesn’t help you to get to sleep. It just stops you from screaming. And even that it does not do very well. At some time around 1:30 am was the last time I remember looking at the clock. I remember trying to look at the clock after that time but finding the proposition of placing my unprotected, red and raw eye flesh in the path of the breeze of the fan too painful.

My alarms went off at 8 am. At that time I felt tired as if I had not slept at all, which may have been the case as I can not qualify the intermediate period of time in any specific way other than to say that I do not remember any of it.

In order to increase my chances of attending class today, I had asked my mum to ensure that I got up in the morning and to give me a lift to the class. Here I must take responsibility for not getting out of bed sooner than I did. I got out of bed at about 8:20 am, at least 19 minutes inferior to the standard expected of me by my mum, and indeed, not ideal by my own admission.

And then this afternoon I am told that I am doing nothing to help myself. I am told that even if I should not get any sleep at night, I should force myself to be awake at 9 am each morning until I am “so tired” that I will go to sleep when I go to bed.

I see some merit in the latter point.

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