2005-07-15 - 11:43 p.m.

Where I am at now

I have decided that I don't need an explanatory note for this diary. I am a changed person from the person that wrote a lot of this. Still me, but changed, and I don't feel it an efficient use of my time explaining how. I have suggested it in the past, but now I have put it into practise: I have locked this diary because it is not for other people. It is for me to see what I was, and praise God that I am being continually transformed. Not at the pace at which I would like, but still, changed.

Still I will repent of how I have sinfully used this diary in the past. I used it thinking that it would be good to make people feel sorry for me, and insinuate that I would harm myself in some way. Evidently I have not. Another way is one that I feel to ashamed to even admit to myself, but it was the reason I started this diary. Yet even in this I praise God - out of even the most selfish acts of humans, God can make good result. So, from this day on, this diary will be used only for God's purposes, if at all. One, if not its main or only purpose is to transform me to conform more to his image. The way I can think of to do that is confessing sin and undertaking to myself to change, by God's grace.

I am particularly pleased with how I have avoided sin concerning pornography. By God's grace I defeated it, stumbled briefly, but thanks to some loving understanding from my brothers in Christ am back where I belong in him again for some eight weeks now and I am very grateful to them and to God.

Another way I used this diary wrongly is because it catalysed my putting faith in my own intelligence rather than in God. I am aware that this may be happening even as I type, and I don't believe that there is any greater good apart from God himself, but writing this sits well with my conscience at the moment. I will surely stop if this changes.

It was wrong to shout at my mum. It was sin. Of late I have not shoted at her much at all. Much of this contrition is because I fear facing the consequences of my actions, namely explaining that this is what I have done to people, expecially my interest. These words seem so dry when I look at them, but they are actually real. I am earnestly repenting, and my motivation for it should be because it is an affront to God's glory, not because of what it will do to me. Not even because, if I would say, that she didn't deserve to be shouted at. Not even because the Bible identifies it as sin - thymos in the sense of fits of rage - but because it is not honouring to God.

Of course this is easy to type knowing that it is only between me and God. And I will not let it go unwritten that my sin was in ostensible megnitude and semantics lesser than the verbal provocation and response. Yet, all sin is sin to God. I am only called to renew my own mind, by God's grace. I can not change my mum even if I were the most loving and patient and tolerant son, only God can make the seed grow.

I really regret that my parents are not Christians. Again much of this regret is for selfish reasons. I really wish I had had an earthly father look at me and say in a way that I would believe him, "I love you, but what you are doing is wrong". I wish I had a mother that could forgive the father of her children, or anyone, for that matter. But these are not the reasons that I should be desiring that they become Christians, and not even that I genuinely desire them to go to heaven rather than hell. It is because in some way, it may be part of God's perfect plan, and that, through the transformation in their lives, praise might be given to God. Let me have this in mind when I pray for them.

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