2004-10-05 - 5:00 p.m.

excellent advice

(myself) says: gday Fh.T says: Hey
(myself) says: how is your study going
Fh.T says: A bit slow today
(myself) says: greek and hebrew
Fh.T says: haven't done much at all
Fh.T says: Greek is what I have been planning to do
(myself) says: i have a big concordance with all the words
(myself) says: wher do you live
Fh.T says: They can be helpful, you should teach yourself Greek
Fh.T says: (etc) in the week
(myself) says: i am not doing a lot of serving
(myself) says: I want to do something to serve god like mission, but I have a lot of problems with depresseion etc
(myself) says: are you busy now
Fh.T says: Desire to serve is good, very good, the depression clearly does impactr on exactly what would be a good way to serve though I suppose. Now is fine
Fh.T says: I am not studying much anyway
(myself) says: i am reading this article it is quite long, do you think it is good theologically sound?
Fh.T says: I will go to it
(myself) says:
Fh.T says: half way...
(myself) says: ok
Fh.T says: finished
(myself) says: do you think it is good theologically
Fh.T says: I think it is largely theologically sound
Fh.T says: I had one or two concerns
Fh.T says: but I thought his main thesis was good
(myself) says:
Fh.T says: I was worried about the way he lumped depression in with various sins at a couple of points
Fh.T says: did that jump out at you?
(myself) says: no, where
(myself) says: oh yeah
Fh.T says: maybe I am overreading
(myself) says: but his point is, these are things that people hide
Fh.T says: I hear of those who are depressed. Where do they turn for help? How do they admit their hurt? It seems so "unChristian" to admit depression, yet it is a reality for millions and millions of human beings. Porn addiction. Food addiction. Rage addiction. Obsessive needs for control. Chronic lying and dishonesty. How many pastors and Christian leaders live with these human frailties and flaws, and nev
(myself) says: i dont think he implies that its a sin
Fh.T says: I don't think we should judt throw all those things out there for everyone to have to deal with, but I agree completely that it is totally counterproductive to pretend that you have it all together, when clearly none of us do
(myself) says: what to do then
(myself) says: get christian counselling?
(myself) says: because I go to church and it doesn't matter how good the talk is I still terrible I can't get out of depression no one wants to listen but everyone has good advice
Fh.T says: I wish I had an answer with good results, but I think in some way the answer is, that scripture has no promise that you can escape depression in this life, I'm not saying you won't, but there is certainly no religious type formulae that will achieve it. I'm sure you have prayed about it and asked God to free you from it, but even then, there is no guarantee that he will.
Fh.T says: Christian Councelling may well help
Fh.T says: Haven't you tried that before?
(myself) says: no one wants to be with a person like me
(myself) says: yes but you couold hardly call it cristian or even conselling
Fh.T says: right
Fh.T says: to your second statement!!!
(myself) says: besides there is full of good adviec, but why should i care, no matter how much good is the advice i can't make it change if no one cares
(myself) says: its true
Fh.T says: Perhaps you should give it another go though, the CC
(myself) says: no matter how nice the christians are they are still fake no one i mean NO ONE at church wants to be around me
Fh.T says: People do care, but you are right, it is a circular problem and people can find it hard to deal with from the outside
(myself) says: i have gone to dozens of counsellors, it doesnt matter how good the counsellor is, the fact is no one cares whether i get better or not
(myself) says: what is the CC, i have been given a number of anglicare , is that it
(myself) says: what is the point of me
Fh.T says: I think that is a large leap from, people find it hard to relate to you and enjoy your company, to, people don't care if you get better
(myself) says: how can i be useful to God's kingdom
Fh.T says: CC was just Christian councelling, my own shortening not an organisatoin
Fh.T says: I think that is a good questoin for you to be asking
(myself) says: it is a small leap because there is no reason to even try if no one notices
Fh.T says: and to that I am sure there is a good answer
(myself) says: folding bits of paper
(myself) says: get there 30 mins earlier
(myself) says: and stack chairs
(myself) says: and i will get a glitter star in heaven
(myself) says: which of course is much better than the best things on earth
(myself) says: how did you over come chron's disease
Fh.T says: I actually think those sort of things are a very good way to serve Gods people, at the same time, I don't think that they are the sum total of your possibilities
Fh.T says: I didn
Fh.T says: 't really
Fh.T says: I've still got it
Fh.T says: I suppose I just have to live with it
(myself) says: is it painful
Fh.T says: Sometimes. but not very much
Fh.T says: the larger problem is the possiblilty of another attck
(myself) says: i don't see the point in even trying i have the numbers of about 8 people fomr church in my phone every one has an excuse no one wants to be around me and then at church i say, how was your week, oh, nothing
(myself) says: is it likely that there is another attack
Fh.T says: It is sort of random, since I had so much guts removed, I think it is less likely, but medically it is completely possible
Fh.T says: It all depends what the point was inthe first place
Fh.T says: Without tryng to sound ride
Fh.T says: rude
Fh.T says: Do you want to serve Gods people to please God or to please Gods peopople?
(myself) says: either would be an improvement
(myself) says: but the corre ct answer is serve god
(myself) says: to please god
Fh.T says: I suppose my point is just that if that is your reason for doing it then peple response should not discourage you, I realise in proctice it is hard to actually do that
(myself) says: i am too much of a loss, i can not get married i can not get on with peole, it is too hard for someone to put up with me, but i cant bee a missionarry because i will be unstable and so i dont know what i must do in my life
(myself) says: its not hard because of motivation i think about that all the time, it is hard because i am acheiving nothing
Fh.T says: Well I have not managed to get married either, and I have been trying longer then you
Fh.T says: How are you measuring this acheovement though?
(myself) says: yes i dont know why you are not married because there is nothing wrong with you
Fh.T says: that is easy to think from the outside
Fh.T says: but like the essay said, we are all fallen and damaged
Fh.T says: it is actually true
(myself) says: well whenever i try to get friends or even i asked Fh.B at church, how can i serve and he said, sweep the path, and i started and it just hit me a big hit of depression and the more i swept the more it got dirty and that is the same of everything i try to do so i dont know
Fh.T says: the more you sweapt the more you felt useless?
(myself) says: the same with Fh.D he wants to get married and i say to him there is nothing wrong with you, but it's the same its not him its that there are not many good girls they are mostly superficial they will do everything to aviod eye contact, they are so superficial, they believe that they deserve someone perfect
Fh.T says: I think that is a little unfair
(myself) says: yes i was sweeping the path and i felt so terrible, the wind was blowing the dirt back on and its the same with everything i try, i cant do anything right because i get too depressed and it feels like i am not making any progress
Fh.T says: there are quite a few good ones out there, I think it does take a bit more than just a good christian guy and good christian girl therefor they are ready to get married
(myself) says: there is a force field around me and it pushes girls away and makes pain if they make eye contact , it seems
Fh.T says: Sweeping paths on a windy day is always a depressing pursuit, that is very true
(myself) says: yes it takes that they are not depressed
(myself) says: i am sorry i don't mean to be a pain
Fh.T says: thats ok
Fh.T says: It is good to put it all out there every once in a while
(myself) says: I have been like this all my life ant I have tried everything and I am not getting better so it seems my life is disappearing
(myself) says: but its not every once it is always
Fh.T says: I would not worry about girls to much, my experience has been that they just sort of happen, I was single for a couplke of years then I just bumped into a good one
Fh.T says: always is not ideal
(myself) says: did I tell you about Gh.M when I was living with her
Fh.T says: you told me you were going to move in with her
Fh.T says: but I think we lost contact when you did
(myself) says: yes I moved in with her and it was unwise , she used me but at the same time i was unpleasant to be with, but that is all I could do I dont think I will ever be fit for marriage it is too late to change that much
Fh.T says: Why do you thnk she used you?
(myself) says: because she insited on living next to her uni and made a lot of phone calls and towards the end she was seeing and sleeping with another guy but i dont blame her i was so miserable I would have not been able to put up with me
Fh.T says: I'm sorry to hear that story
Fh.T says: I don't think that story though is any indication of your ability to be married
Fh.T says: you have never been married
(myself) says: my mum and my brother hate to live with me because i am always crying they want me to move out
(myself) says: but who would want to put up with me
(myself) says: how can i change
Fh.T says: My answer is somewhat uninspiring but...
Fh.T says: I think you need to pursure the questoin you asked to start with, How can you serve God and his people? Over time God may well free you from your depression, but I don't know the answer to it, you may well live a life that is hard, you may not get married, though you are a long way from that point just yet, but the reason for our remaining here in this painful world is that we might serve God and
Fh.T says: his people til he says its time to come home
(myself) says: yes will i can show up and church and say, how can I serve?
Fh.T says: Keep talking to Fh.B and Fh.A about how you can serve, there far more for you to do than just the path, but perhasp it is a good start
(myself) says: ok thank you for talking to me
Fh.T says: Do you feel that I have helped zero and you are in the same place as you started?
Fh.T says: I can cope with that if it is reality
(myself) says: You have said all the right answers but it can't chage the pain
Fh.T says: I acknowledge that
(myself) says: I know that I must keep going despite the pain but i don't want to be alone all my life and if I will be then its no point to go on
Fh.T says: I wish I could give you aswers that heloped the pain
(myself) says: I just want to have a friend and do something I am always alone
(myself) says: I know you can't that is just life
Fh.T says: I don't think your life will always be like that
Fh.T says: but that is just what I think
Fh.T says: not what I know
(myself) says: I was first depressed when I was 5. now I am 24 and I have seen maybe 20 doctors and 15 counsellors. so how can I believe it will not always be like that
Fh.T says: I don't know
Fh.T says: I am not saying there will be some magical cure day
Fh.T says: I am just saying that I can see things getting better than they are
(myself) says: Yes I have gotten better compared to when I was little, but I am still a long way from being normal
Fh.T says: Do you find any hope in that?
(myself) says: in this conversation?
Fh.T says: in the improvement since you were little
(myself) says: or you mean the fact that I am better than I was, yes I am glad for that, but it is still a slow rate
Fh.T says: it is something
(myself) says: yes
Fh.T says: I am going to try and get some Greek done, I will pray for you, for an increase in the slow rate.
(myself) says: ok thank you
Fh.T says: no worries, seeya

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