2003-04-16 - 2:35 p.m.

why?

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

(myself) says:

hi

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

hey...

(myself) says:

What's new?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

nothing

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

how was soccer?

(myself) says:

Good

(myself) says:

They don't think I'm a complete moron after all

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

course they don't.

(myself) says:

I know

(myself) says:

And you?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

and me what?

(myself) says:

How has your evening been? Studying?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

nuh. Mainly looking at my degree, thinking about transferring... if I don't get my psych transfer I imght go to sci/arts

(myself) says:

ok

(myself) says:

What dod Shaylee say about me?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

you mean shelley? nothing about you specifically.

(myself) says:

sorry, Shelley, ok

(myself) says:

Are you seeing someone else?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

about what? brb, i left the door open..

(myself) says:

Do you have a boyfriend or another potential boyfriend?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I mean, really not. The question mark is just questioning where this is coming from

(myself) says:

OK

(myself) says:

That's just the feeling I get

(myself) says:

Nevermind me

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

oh. if you feel like there's someone else i's probably because I'm just in 2 minds about everything.

(myself) says:

I know

(myself) says:

I'm sorry

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

so really there kinda is someone else, only, that someone else is me... that bitcah.

(myself) says:

I have to learn to "manage" my feelings

(myself) says:

lol

(myself) says:

Well then get her out of your head and come and be with me and I promise you won't regret it ever!!!

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

mmmm....

(myself) says:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

(myself) says:

YOu're just a tease

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

what?

(myself) says:

What does "mmmm..." mean?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

well, mmm actually has 8 different kinds of meanings, but I'm not sure what they are, you'd have to ask my ling lecturer, he wrote his thesis on mmm.

(myself) says:

(myself) says:

And what dod you mean by it?

(myself) says:

did*

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

yeah, he collected like hundreds of samples, so cool... sorry, I'm being a ling head. It was just my thinky noise.

(myself) says:

Tell me

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

what?

(myself) says:

Did you actually enjoy me on Sunday? or was it just some sort of game you were playing?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

That's what I'm afraid of.

(myself) says:

Afraid of what??

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

that it's just some game I'm playing. Like my life. I mean, I'm losing, but I'm definitely playing...

(myself) says:

Wel why don't you find out!

(myself) says:

Give me a chance!

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

how would that settle anything?

(myself) says:

Don't be afraid

(myself) says:

You would find out whether you did like me , or whether you were just playing games

(myself) says:

Because I know where I am

(myself) says:

I love you

(myself) says:

I am certain it is not just a game

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

No, I wouldn't, I'd just confuse myself more... and you shouldn't say that.

(myself) says:

But it's true

(myself) says:

Do you want me to just disappear then?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

But I don't believe it.

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

yes...no...yes...maybe

(myself) says:

How can you believe it when I haven't had a chance to show you how much I love you?

(myself) says:

Gh.B

(myself) says:

You are amazing

(myself) says:

I don

(myself) says:

t understand

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

It's not that I don't believe you, I don't believe in love, and I definitely, definitely do not believe in anyone loving me.

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I mean, given the choice..

(myself) says:

Let me love you and you will believe!

(myself) says:

Sorry about that

(myself) says:

I got d/c

(myself) says:

Why don't you believe in love?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

that's ok.

(myself) says:

You were saying, given the choice...?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I mean, given the choice of loving me or just walking away, the fully informed choice, i believe people will walk. But by that love I mean familial love, the other kind... I just don't believe in at all.

(myself) says:

Trust me, if only you knew how much I agree with you, about the familial love part, I only wish you could see into my heart, that is just the sort of love that I love you with, and believe me, how could I be better informed that with your diary and all that you have told me recently?

(myself) says:

I love you so much

(myself) says:

I can see into your mind from what you write, I know that feeling, and you are just the sort of girl that I want to love

(myself) says:

You want someone to love you as their own flesh and blood, but society always says, look out for number 1, and so you don't think it is possible

(myself) says:

I don't want a superficial relationship, if I did, I'd go pick up someone from Panthers

(myself) says:

That's what made me email you right from the start

(myself) says:

I read your diary and I thought, she's the one

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no, no, I don't know if you've read the entry but someone in there there's stuff about love being the socialy acceptable fairytale for adults... see that's the thing I don't believe there is one one, there's just, no one... no-one.

(myself) says:

How are you ever going to find out if that's what you think?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I guess I'm not. But I'm learning to be okay with that.

(myself) says:

Then what's the point of your life then?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

to do as much good as I can, to find the best way I can help others and do it

(myself) says:

I can tell from your diary that you do believe in fairytales or sorts, powerful, rich men with helicopters etc...

(myself) says:

That's excellent

(myself) says:

And by doing that you will find some happiness

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I love fairytales, but they're not real.

(myself) says:

Well, what is it then , what I am feeling at the moment?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't know.

(myself) says:

Just chemicals? Just a by-product of evolution?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

Probably, possibly. Placebo effects maybe even?

(myself) says:

Or when my heart tells me all I want to do for my life is to make this one person happy, it is all a dream?

(myself) says:

I love you

(myself) says:

I don't have any words left

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

If you left out the this I might believe you. Not a dream, it might be your reality... but it isn't mine. I know, I'm sorry.

(myself) says:

What "this"?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

the 'this' in your statement, if it wasn't me...

(myself) says:

I can't find it

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

Or when my heart tells me all I want to do for my life is to make THIS one person happy, it

(myself) says:

ok

(myself) says:

I love you

(myself) says:

I don't understand

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I know. it's confusing.

(myself) says:

Why don't you believe you can be loved?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

Because... I don't even like me most of the time?

(myself) says:

I like you

(myself) says:

I am crazy about you

(myself) says:

I just with you could see the way I see you

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

whereas I'm just crazy

(myself) says:

wish*

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

you deserve more

(myself) says:

Please let me love you

(myself) says:

How can there be more?

(myself) says:

I love everything about you

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I can't love.

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

So you deserve more.

(myself) says:

What do you mean you can't love?

(myself) says:

You say your point in life is to do good and make people happy, that is loving people

(myself) says:

Don't be fooled by what society considers "love"

(myself) says:

You love someone by putting aside your own desires to satisfy another's

(myself) says:

A mother loves a child by providing for them and nursing them

(myself) says:

Even making sure there is food on the table, is love

(myself) says:

That is the type of love with which I love you

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I could never give you what you'd give me, all I know how to do is use or be used... and my point in life is to help people, it's not quite the same... that's caring, and I care, I do, but I don't think it's the same as love

(myself) says:

Even letting someone love you is love because you are allowing an opportunity they would not otherwise have

(myself) says:

Have you been used in the past?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

not specifically.

(myself) says:

Please let me be there to comfort you

(myself) says:

It's so sad to see you say these things

(myself) says:

Please let me see you again

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I don't want to hurt you.

(myself) says:

How could you hurt me?

(myself) says:

Tell me, what could you possibly do?

(myself) says:

Please, let's meet again so we can talk about this

(myself) says:

You are a completely different person face to face than on the internet, you aren't so dark

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

Walk away. Dump you cruelly. I don't know, whatever. That's not such a good idea, I'll feel differently if I'm in your arms... I can't be dark all the time.

(myself) says:

Please please

(myself) says:

Give me a chance

(myself) says:

I don't care

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

about what?

(myself) says:

How you may hurt me

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

but I do...

(myself) says:

You feel different if you're in my arms? Then why aren't you here?!

(myself) says:

Gh.B I love you

(myself) says:

I miss you so much

(myself) says:

Please give me a chance

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I mean, my head will switch off and I'll forget.. but I don't want to forget

(myself) says:

Gh.B

(myself) says:

Forget what?

(myself) says:

Let me see you again

(myself) says:

I am begging you

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

it's not that i'm trying to deny you a chance, I'm trying to deny me a chance. Forget reality...

(myself) says:

Please don't do that

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

do what?

(myself) says:

Trust me when I say you don't want to deny yourself this chance

(myself) says:

Please Gh.B

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

why? I know you probably would be good for me but I know me, I don't like me, but I know me, and I wouldn't be good for you

(myself) says:

You belong in my arms

(myself) says:

Believe me you would be the best thing to ever happen to me

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

or just the worst.

(myself) says:

No Gh.B, please believe me

(myself) says:

I love you

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I can't, I can't believe you because I don't believe in love and when you say all these amazing beautiful things about me that other girls would kill to hear I can't believe them either...

(myself) says:

I just wish you knew how I feel and how I am telling the truth

(myself) says:

You are perfect for me

(myself) says:

I know it

(myself) says:

Please trust me

(myself) says:

I adore you

(myself) says:

Let me hold you again

(myself) says:

Please believe me

(myself) says:

I can't understand why you don't believe you can be loved? Doesn't this just strike you as wrong?

(myself) says:

Why don't you believe in love?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I know it should but it doesn't.

(myself) says:

Then, please, let me show you

(myself) says:

Don't worry about me

(myself) says:

Just have no expectations at all and let me love you

(myself) says:

Please Gh.B, it is wrong for you to think like this and it is wrong for me not to be able to love you like I can

(myself) says:

Please have faith

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I'm sorry but I don't have any faith left.

(myself) says:

Gh.B

(myself) says:

Let me hold you

(myself) says:

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I am exactly what you need

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I can't... you'll push the sane thoughts out of my head.

(myself) says:

And you are exactly what I need as well

(myself) says:

What sane thoughts? That love doesn't exist?

(myself) says:

I don't find that sane

(myself) says:

Please trust me

(myself) says:

Love exists

(myself) says:

You deserve to be loved

(myself) says:

I love you more that you can imagine

(myself) says:

Let me love you and I promise you you will never regret it, I wish I could prove that to you now somehow

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

You're not exactly the epitome of sane in this equation, you know that right? You've effectively known me a few hours... I mean you've known of me for longer, but it's not the same, and I think you're in love with the idea of being in love, and not with me, in which case I know you could do better....

(myself) says:

There may well be a lot of truth in that. However , all these things that I have for a long time wished I could find in a girl , that seem to pop out and hit me in the face from your diary, as well as how you look and talk, this is more than a coincidence

(myself) says:

And even if that is all true, does the fact that I have not known you for too long mean that I mustn't see you again?

(myself) says:

Because I know I want to see you again

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no, but it means you don't know me as well as you think you do...

(myself) says:

Then wouldn't it be wise to get to know you better?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no, but what I'm trying to say that you feeling so strongly about a girl you don't even really know can't be real...

(myself) says:

Believe me it is and I so wish you could understand the way I am feeling

(myself) says:

I am a patient person. If it means that you would like us to only talk online for a few months, in order to get to know you better like that, if you say so, I am happy. Although there will be in the back of my mind that you really don't like me and that it's just a way of keeping me away...

(myself) says:

I am just speaking from my heart when I say I love you

(myself) says:

I can't convince you with words

(myself) says:

I would do anything to be with you

(myself) says:

I love you

(myself) says:

But know for certain: you will not hurt me or regret it if you do give me a chance

(myself) says:

"I felt confident, and okay, and sure of myself for once for once for once in the past few years." - Why was that?

(myself) says:

Are you there Gh.B?

(myself) says:

I love you

(myself) says:

Gh.B are you there?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

hi

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

sorry about that

(myself) says:

OK

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I'm installing a new program and it made all my other windows crash

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I could hear you messaging but there was nowhere to click! evil...

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

anyway

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

hi

(myself) says:

hi

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

why that was, I don't know, maybe because it was sunny and in linguistics I spoke and for once I felt like I had a little control

(myself) says:

OK

(myself) says:

Can I see you tomorrow?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

Not really workable time-wise, as well as otherwise...

(myself) says:

Not even if I come to UNSW?

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

no...

(myself) says:

OK

(myself) says:

I meant what I said tonight

(myself) says:

Now I'm going to bed

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

I know you did.

(myself) says:

You are an amazing woman, if only you realised that

(myself) says:

I love you Gh.B

(myself) says:

Good night

thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before says:

sleep well.

(myself) says:

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