2004-09-20 - 1:48 p.m.

persevering overcomeness

I have been quite down for the last 48 hours. I have tried to stay strong, and for the most part I have succeeded, but Sunday was very hard. So last night I went to church and had the best of intentions to persevere. I am finding it very hard to cope, to keep going. This has been normal for me for many years, so the fact that I am more aware of it now should be a good sign, indicating that the last two or three weeks until Friday passed without emotional trouble. Of course the memory of Friday night makes it extra hard to persevere.

I can not talk to anyone about it; my family see it as getting what I deserved for a reason I can't fathom, nor can I even ask what it may be. I managed to outline events to well meaning and ultra stable people at church who offer to pray for me. It was like explaining complex maths to an arts professor. We are from different worlds. All the better then that I am able to talk to them, perhaps. On the other hand I am doing well with what I have, more or less. There isn't much point in this entry. I feel terrible and have been for a few days.

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